What Do I Make For Christmas Dinner
This morning itz nine days until Christmas, and I still haven’t made up my mind about what to make for Christmas dinner. I really should do the smart thing, (make reservations), but I find it very strange to be anywhere but home on Christmas.
I’ve had a no travel rule in effect on the holidays for around ten years, which I have appreciated, even if no one else has. We used to do a road trip at Christmas time to parts of the northeast, where the wife has lotz of family.
It was nice nice to see them, (except for their politics), but physically it was a real grind, especially coming home, which sometimes took up to fourteen hours on the road. I had to do all the driving too, because my wife doesn’t like driving for more than an hour or so.
One particular Christmas we ran up against a blazing snowstorm, and it took 21 hours to get home. It was shortly after arriving home, and imbibing about eight fingers of Lagavulin, that I decreed that their would be no more travel on holidays.
This decree has served me well for over a decade, along with waking up in my own bed, and being able to raid the refrigerator at any time of the day or night. The decree has also meant that I have to cook dinner, since it would take the wife an entire week to get burgers and potato salad on the table, and you had better hope she bought the potato salad at the deli.
I put together an impressive spread at Thanksgiving, which we knoshed on for days afterward. We had a smoked turkey, and a killer ham. and the problem is, I don’t want to repeat anything.
So I’ve been thinking about prime rib, shrimp, crab, clams, mussels and a New Orleans kind of theme. Then the wife tells me yesterday that one of the guests has some food issues.
What? (She’s a guest.)
Now I’ve been invited to many a gathering in my day, and many of them were family affairs, like this one. I would never have presumed to tell the host, or hostess, what I would, or wouldn’t eat. If you’re that fussy, stay home. (And some other untoward things.)
And of course…she’s a V—-, who should be forcefed some lard, in the Christmas spirit, of course. Now letz think about this…I’m invited to a Christmas dinner thrown by some V—–, and I tell them I’d really like to have some Prime Rib. Seriously, do you think for one minute they are going to accomodate me? (Hell no!) I can hear them whispering now…”Can you imagine… he wanted us to put meat…meat…on the table!”
So my solution is this:
I’m going to use her as a guinea pig, (Tee hee), for demonstrating how the Hot Shot Stun Gun works. I’m going to use itz almost a million volts to rewire her circuits a tad, and then take pictures of her scarfing the beef like an African lioness.
http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/hotshotstungun.htm
Don’t you just love it when a plan comes together? Then later, we’ll lard and feather her…and send her home.
Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.
Merry Christmas,
Aloha kaua,
Nui (Big) Kahuna
I too have changed many a vegetarian woman’s mind by slapping my meat down on the table in front of her with a resounding clank.
From that point on, they’re hooked.
I like to call ‘em “McDangertarians”