To The Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown
I always like it when I open up the email and find something relevant…and very funny at the same time. Just plain funny is always good too, but occasionally you get both.
The following was posted on Craig’s List in Savannah, Georgia, and I hope you enjoy it.
“I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriends purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.
I didn’t expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing that jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?
I know it probably wasn’t much fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling any of your buddies to come help you mug us again.
I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet…then I threw the wallet in the dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a day, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening calls to the DA’s office with it. Oh well.
So…about your pants. I know I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I’d like to make it up to you. I’m sure you’ve already washed your pants, so I’d like to help you out. I’d like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on your pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk home humiliated.
I’m hoping you reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.
If you read this message, email me and we’ll have coffee.”
I don’t know if this story is true, but it’s relevant and funny. The moral is that if you are carrying, you certainly can turn the tables on a knife wielding mook.
A couple of quick sprays of Wildfire would also have rendered this mook helpless too. In all probability he would have dropped his knife because:
A) He couldn’t see…and
B) All his attention would have been focused on the severe pain in his face…
C) Not to mention all his air passages would be swollen, and it would be very difficult to breathe.
The .45 ACP works fine too, but since he didn’t fire, the mook suffered only humiliation. I’m more of a pain and humiliation guy myself.
http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/wildfire.htm
Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.
Aloha kaua,
Nui (Big) Kahuna
