Keep Yer Dirty Mitts Off My Turlet Paper
While Mother Earth enters another cooling cycle, interrupted only by the
hot air produced by green swindlers like Fat Al Gore, another insiduous
plot has been uncovered by …me, the Big Kahuna, citizen journalist, and
the owner of a green truck.
It has come to my attention that the Sodom and Goremites are planning
a full fledged assault on…turlet paper. And in particular…soft, easy on the
ass turlet paper.
This is where it all comes to a head.
This is where to draw that line in the sand.
Keep your friggin’ hands off the Charmin, or face the wrath of God.
Let me tell you a story to illustrate my point.
Years back a good friend of mine was a salesman for a distributor in
the restaurant business, selling all the things needed to keep a restaurant
running smoothly. One of those items was toilet paper.
One of his clients was Morton’s of Chicago, a well known very upscale
steakhouse where you can very easily spend $100 per person on dinner
and drinks. My friend sold Morton’s Charmin, at the cost of about $52
a case, or roughly .60 a roll.
One day he was confronted by a young Food and Beverage Manager
who screamed at him that he was ripping him off on turlet paper, and a
competitor had offered a price of $29.95 a case. My friend told the
youngun that he could not sell him Charmin at that price, and in any
case it wasn’t a good idea to buy the competitors product. The youngun
told him that he made the purchasing decisions, and didn’t need his input.
On Monday morning my friend had barely had a sip of coffee when his
pager went off, with a Chicago number, followed by 911, which meant
call now. So he dialed the number, identified himself, and found that he
was speaking to the VP of Operations for Morton’s. (This would be one of
the Big Dogs.)
The VP was screaming at him…for sending in…cheap, see-through,
scratch your ass turlet paper, and that he had to deal with 11 complaints
from customers from just Saturday night alone. To top it off, all the
complaints were made by women.
My friend let the VP rant, and then calmly explained that it was not
his decision, but the young Food and Beverage Manager’s. This sent
the VP into a frenzy, and he said that he would call back.
About 30 minutes later the VP called my friend back, apologized for
his earlier accusation, and told my friend that should his employee make
any other purchasing decisions that he, (my friend), thought were not in
the best interest of the restaurant, he was to call him immediately.
The moral of the story here is:
Don’t F… With The Turlet Paper!
If you want to clean yourself with kale leaves…that’s all well and good, but
the rest of us like our Charmin, and I’ll be damned if you’re going to take
it away from me. And if you really want to make an impact, start sending
complaint letters to all the companies who are using see through, scratch
your ass turlet paper. (That you keep you busy for a while.)
In your spare time, tell all your friends to sign on to the most entertaining
site on the internet, and tell them they get 10% off for the entire month of
October.
http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com
http://www.bigkahunasurveillance.com
Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.
Aloha kaua,
Nui (Big) Kahuna
