One of the longtime Kahunanites mailed me a few stories about the French, and British, which are worth sharing with everyone.

Back in the 60s, the Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France, when Chuck DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all U.S. military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded, “Does that include all the ones who are buried here?”

Chuck did not respond.

When in England, at a very large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Cantebury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of “empire building” by George Bush.

He answered by saying, “Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land that we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.”

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a conference that included Admirals from the U.S., British, Canadian, Australian, and French navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of these countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their malt beverages, but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

He then asked, “Why is it we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it’s because the Brit’s, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”

That ought to put a smile on your face today, because it truly is an honor to be an American, even when it’s Commander in Chief is bowing to to every vegemite King in the universe.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

Wouldn’t you like to just jack up these European cowards with some voltage?

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Down in Gainesville, Florida, according to the Gainesville Sun, a man named Gary was watching the vidiot box when someone knocked on his door. Gary, a wheelchair user, placed his revolver, a .45 Colt, on his lap before responding to the knock.

He said he had an uneasy feeling because the hour was late, and he was not expecting company. “I was suspicious,” Gary said, “I really didn’t want to open the door.”

At the door were a pair of mooks, one 24, the other 18, with a third mook waiting in the vehicle parked in front of his house. When Gary answered the door, one of the mooks requested a jump start for his car, while the other mook, who had a bandanna over his face…rushed him and bowled him over.

Gary fired multiple shots, striking mook numero uno in the chest. Now imagine this…mook numero uno, who was pronounced dead at the scene, had a long history of criminal behavior, and had been rehabilitated.

The two other mooks fled the scene separately after their partner in crime took a couple of rounds. They were later found, apprehended, and are awaiting trial on charges of second degree murder, and attempted home invasion.

Gary says several folks have called and told him he is a hero, but he doesn’t feel like one. He says, “A hero usually helps people, not shoots them.”

Well…that’s correct, but it doesn’t make Gary any less a hero for defending himself, and his home. Most normal folks aren’t out late at night, wearing a mask, and trying to break into someone’s home either.

Nobody really wants to use lethal force, but sometimes it is necessary to protect yourself.

Would a non lethal weapon have worked in this situation? It certainly could have been, but that’s your choice. (At the moment)

It’s up to you to decide how you deal with a home invasion, and nobody else’s business. That’s why I always say, “Have a plan.” You need to know how you’re going to handle a situation like this before it happens.

If you decide you’re going with non lethal solutions, then you need to have the tools you need to make sure you come out on top of the situation. You can find almost everything you need at Big Kahuna Security.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

I would never have opened the door myself.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Some mooks are just plain stipude. There just isn’t any other way to say it, and they give some of the slicker mooks a really bad name. Last week in southern Cali Forn Ya, (and isn’t it good that Ahn Nuld’s term is finally coming to an end), a mook tried to rob a cashier at a drive in, and instead of getting money, got a facefull of Mace Triple Action.

He took off swearing and running, and I guess he didn’t realize he’d been birth marked by the UV dye. Mace Triple Action contains pepper spray, tear gas, and UV dye. The dye leaves a big, easily recognizable splotch of red wherever you get hit that lasts 24 hours.

With such a mark on you, it is fairly easy for police to find you on the street. It’s like looking for a guy who had a paint bucket dropped on his head, because you sort of stand out in a crowd.

This clown prince didn’t even know he was walking around with the mark of Satan on his face. He told police that he sat around in an alley waiting for the pepper spray and tear gas to wear off, then decided to hightail it home to get some different clothes.

As he walked along the street he thought he just blended in with all the other people, and even asked the cops why they singled him out. The police told him that they tracked him down with a laser beam, and he just shook his head and said, “Damn…y’all using laser beams on us now?”

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/tripleaction.htm

Well…I guess his mother skipped the brain station when she was picking out his parts, or maybe they were made by Toyota. (Or Government Motors) If they were made by Toyota, at least there’s a chance the problem could be fixed. But if he has genuine GM parts, he’s certainly doomed.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Related Blogs

Last week a mother and daughter went shopping for whatever it is that women go shopping for. I wouldn’t know what they went shopping for unless they told me, because I learned long ago that the best way for the women in my family to go shopping, is without me. That way they can dilly dally all day long without driving me to the brink of insanity.

The difference between this pair and your regular mother-daughter team is that they follow the Big Kahuna doctrine, and they are aware, alert, and have a plan. They carry pepper spray on their key chains, and have a number of Kahuna items in the car. After they had finished their walkabout at the mall, they humped their loot back to the car, putting the valuables in the trunk.

They then proceeded to get in the car. As Mom was getting in the car, a mook appeared, and demanded that she get out. Mom was in the process of complying with this order when Daughter reached across the seat and fired a Mace Pepper Gun into the mooks face, hitting him with two rounds before he knew what hit him.

It didn’t go well for the mook after that. He dropped a piece of pipe from his hand. He tried to speak, but was having trouble getting out words and complete thoughts. His eyes swelled shut, and if you tried real hard you could make out that he was talking about being blind, and somebody’s mother. He dropped to his knees, and was trying to rub the spray off, but he only succeeded in spreading it around.

Meanwhile 13 year old daughter was using her cellphone to call police. Then she took several photos of the mook as he knelt on the ground whining and crying about the pain. She texted one immediately to her Dad to let him know what happened. When the coppers arrived the mook claimed that he was attacked for no good reason. “Those bitches just attacked me,” was what he said. “They’re crazier than hell, you’ll see.”

The coppers cuffed the mook and took him away. Before they left they got the full story, and the lead cop told Mom she had a really brave daughter. Daughter said she just did what Dad had taught her to do if the situation arose.

The lead cop nodded his head.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/mace-pepper-gun.htm

Remember…just having a tool isn’t good enough. You need to know how to use it in a critical situation. That’s why you should always have a plan. And a well trained Daughter riding shotgun.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Before I getz to rapping about the new and improved Pretender Stun Gun, let me tell you about something cool that happened to the Big Kahuna whilst he has been holed up in his bunker. This was to due to Snowmageddon, which Commander Dithers assures us is, in fact, a sign of climate change.

Anyhoose, during one of the first days that mail was deliverable, the Big Kahuna received a package from Cali Forn Ya, and he wasn’t expecting anything at the time. Using his Kahunavision, he scanned the package for any evidence that this was something he might not want.

In the FROM section on the label was a name that the Big Kahuna immediately recognized. It was from Barry Eisler, an author that the Big Kahuna likes, and whom he has promoted whenever he has had a new book released. Eisler has written 7 books previously, and the Big Kahuna has all 7 on his bookshelf.

If you are unfamiliar with Barry Eisler, the titles of his books are fairly easy to remember.

Rain Fall/ Hard Rain/ Rain Storm/ Killing Rain /The Last Assasin/ Requiem For An Assasin/ Fault Line

Most of these books revolve around a cat named John Rain, one of the more imaginative characters on the scene today. John Rain is an assasin, and yet you are strangely sympathetic to him as he goes about his work. That’s all you get, because I don’t like giving away plots, or the end of movies. But you should read them all, and buying all of them would still cost less than going to see a professional baseball game.

Soze the Kahuna opens the package, and it’s a personally autographed advance copy of Eisler’s new book, “Inside Out.” Now, never having received anything like this before, the Big Kahuna sat down and blazed straight through the new book in one sitting. It’s another winner, and it will be available for purchase on May 10th, or somewheres very close to that. And buy the other books too, because I think they’re all out in paperback.

Back to the new and improved Pretender, which is a cell phone stun gun, where we have upped the amps.

(To 4.5 million volts!)

Yessirree Bob, flash fried mook is now on the menu, and it comes at the same low price. We’re throwing in free batteries, and a free holster to boot.

Now just imagine how good you’re going to feel knowing that you now have the power to brighten up a mook’s job prospects by turning him into a Cirque du Soleil acrobat with just the push of a button. And with a couple of shots of voltage you may make him as good as some of those traveling Chinese performers who twist and turn themselves like a guy making balloon animals. The only show better than that would be my heretofore mentioned “Electric Bleachers,” which is the solution to closing Gitmo, but still not acted upon by Commander Dithers.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/pretender-cellphone-stun-gun.htm

Go ahead and pre-order Barry Eisler’s new book “Inside Out” at amazon.com, and read it with a “Pretender” in your pocket. You can even play Jackson Brown in the background.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

I’ve been working on a few special things lately, and one of them is wrapped and ready to go. I think you’re really going to appreciate this. One of the questions I got fairly frequently was, can I get a stun gun with more power?

Well…now you can.

Using microtechnology…we’ve come up with a mini stun that y’all are familiar with…The Runt, and amped up the power by a considerable degree without changing it’s size. In it’s previous incarnation The Runt delivered 950,000 volts of mook menacing voltage. That was enough to snap the synapses of most of these scum sucking cro-magnons, but now…you can make these bastards breakdance on command because the new Rechargeable Runt has…drumroll please… 4.5 million volts of mookzapping electricity. Enough voltage to knock down the friggin mook and the horse he rode in on.

Now…that’s progress, more power, and the American Way in action.

Not only that, you get a free holster while supplies last.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/runt-stun-gun-rechargeable.htm

Be the first one on your block to become a mook choreographer. (That’s a dance director.)

And stay tuned, because there is more stuff coming soon.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Itz been a full ten days since the initial Snowmaggedon hit the Virginia suburbs, and the main street that runs through my little part of the world has still not been plowed. Or salted. Or sanded. In order to negotiate the street you have to put your tires in the grooves worn in to the ice by fellow travelers…and hope that you don’t bottom out, which so far hasn’t happened to me. But others have not been so lucky, and must depend on others to get their vehicle rolling again.

The problem…say the politicians…is that nobody put any money in the budget for snow, or snow removal…because they were all caught up in Fat Al Gore’s theory of global warming, which was being defended by some idiots on Sunday morning talk shows. Ceci Connolly of the Washington Post contended that 2009 was the hottest year ever. Funny then that out of East Anglia…the epicenter of the global warming world…that Phil Jones…heretofore cited by Fat Al on almost a daily basis …now says that there has been no significant warming since 1995…and that the Middle Ages…you remember them, right? The Middle Ages might have been hotter.

And back then we had no Charmin, no deoderant, and as I recall, no running water…or sewage or waste disposal systems. We did have Fat Al’s great great great great great great great great great…grand daddy… one Bubonic P. Gore, who believed that bathing on a regular basis was not a good idea either. I believe it was the American Indians who convinced the Gores that personal hygiene was in fact, a good idea. (I think it was so they could tell the difference between boars and gores…which smelled the same, but tasted remarkedly different, and it saved on arrows.)

So far in 2010 we have shattered the all time snowfall record in the area, which was 56 inches, and currently stands at 61, and winter doesn’t seem to be finished yet. The District of Columbia still hasn’t been plowed either. For those of you who believe the government can manage health care, this should be a lesson. The government that can’t get itz streets plowed in two weeks can’t run a lemonade stand. Hope and change do not the streets plow.

Maybe Obama could take some of that bailout money, and hire some people to shovel snow. You know that $900 billion dollars he just had to have back in 09, of which he hasn’t spent $600 billion, just yet. He could buy some shovels from Lowe’s or Home Depot, and put a whole bunch of people to work.

Now is the time to get your tool kit stocked. When the warm weather hits this year the mooks will be out like thickets of mosquitos after being cooped up all winter.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

There is no better way to start the day than by reading an email from someone who has successfully followed my advice. Down in Georgia there’s a smart sumbitch named Chesnell, (that’s his real name), and Ches stocked himself up on tools, not once, but several times, over the past few years.

Ches is never out and about without several options at his disposal, and if another family member is with him…they have a high number of options. On this occassion he was with his 19 year old daughter at a convenience store when a mook tried his hand at armed robbery.

I say tried his hand at it because he certainly wasn’t very good at it. Ches’ daughter was just coming to the counter when the mook demanded that the cashier give him all the money. He was holding what Ches’ daughter correctly identified as a BB gun when he made the demand. The cashier opened the till, but it was about that time that the mook started to experience a live demonstration of what it feels like…to have near a million volts of electricity running through his body.

Ches’ daughter had pulled her Runt 950 rechargeable stun gun out of her pocket and applied it just under the arm of the mook where he was holding the BB gun. The BB gun fell out of the mooks hand, and he started doing a chicken dance that involved him jerking and flailing right into Ches’ fist, whereupon he dropped into a nice slumber.

The cops were called, and when they heard the story all they could say was, “What a dumb sonofabitch.”

A cursory search of the mulletheads car turned up a crack pipe, some speed, and a quart of shine, which according to the cops was one step ahead of turpentine, and nothing any real good ole boy would have been proud of.

The cops examined the Runt, and gave it back to Ches’ daughter. They said they would tell him he got beat up by a girl whenever he came to.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/runtstungun.htm

The long and short of it is: They family that tools up together is a real wrecking crew should the need ever arise, like it did here. Ches says that what he really wanted a chance to use his steel baton, but that he saw the mooks circuits were already fried as he started to dance. A short right was all he needed, and that did the trick.

Just a thought, but couldn’t some of these morons be shoveling snow here? Commander Obama is always talking about those “shovel ready” jobs, so why can’t we put these clowns to work? Maybe then people here could send their kids to school.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

When I got up this morning and fired up the laptop the first thing I saw was that Captain Phil of the crab fishing boat Cornelia Marie had died. He was 53, which is younger than I am. The television show he was featured on was “America’s Deadliest Catch,” which chronicled the lives of a number of captains and crews that work in some of the most hazardous conditions you can imagine to harvest crab.

While the Kahuna has seen his share of hazardous duty, you wouldn’t find me anywhere near one of those boats unless it were tied securely to the dock. I used to get queasy just watching those guys do their thing on the big screen. I need my feet on solid ground, and just the thought of being on a boat in sub zero weather bouncing around in 30 to 40 foot waves hauling in pots makes me thank god I have another skill set.

Captain Phil started on the boats at age 7, and at 21 was a full fledged skipper. That makes him one tough sumbitch in my book, a friggin hero if I don’t say so myself. Then he spent the next 33 years piloting around the Bering Sea like it was just a small lake. The fact that he made it that long without going down is a small wonder by itself.

A few years back I met a guy named Kevin Thompson, and we’re now good friends. One day he starts telling me that he worked the crab boats in Alaska. (He did 7 seasons.) The difference between Kevin and Captain Phil was that Kevin wanted something else out of life, and for Captain Phil, the boat was life.

Kevin knew it was time to go when he got hit by a 30 foot wave while on the deck. The wave hurled him from one side of the deck to the other, where he left his teeth in the railing. Now the good part of losing his teeth was that it kept him from being tossed in the ocean, where his life expectancy would have been about one minute.

Kevin is now a very successful businessman in the Seattle area, and you better believe that those years on the boat helped him get through some very tough times. He often tells people who are whining, “Maybe you should go do a season on a fishing boat if you think your life is tough.” That usually ends that crap.

Captain Phil, you were a man’s man, a true tough guy, and the world is a poorer place today without you. You saw more action in your 53 years than dozens of men combined.

Rest in peace Skipper, it’s nothing but clear sky and smooth water from here on out.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

After living in the same place for twenty two years you get a little tired of the weather boogeyman going on the radio and television and huffing and puffing like the Big Bad Wolf. I’ve lost count of how many killer storms and tornadoes they have warned us against, and then…and then…they never happened.

But the warning they handed out starting last Tuesday night actually came to pass on Friday, when Mother Nature started dishing out the snow at a rate of about one inch per hour, until in my neighborhood we had somewhere in the range of about thirty four inches on the ground. The last time this happened here was in 1989 or 1990, when we got about twenty two inches, and the entire area was paralyzed for days, which is pretty much what’s going on here now.

The federal government is shut down, (you’ll hardly notice the difference), the county is shut down, all the schools are closed, and power is out in a number of areas very close to me, where power lines are above ground, and freezing and falling to the ground.

The solution to all this is quite simple. We need to send a private plane for Fat Al Gore, and bring him here for a chat on global warming. All that hot air, (backed up by the best phony data available), will melt about half the snow pack, which is important because another storm is heading our way, with the promise of dumping an additional twelve to twenty inches of winter wonderland on us.

Fat Al can bring in Ed Begley Jr, Leonardo de Caprio, and all the Hollyweirdoze he wants, and we’ll just attach them to the front of the plows with a bunch of peer review studies that they can recite, which will generate enough heat to clear the roads without any sand or salt. (That would be wasting precious resources.)

Or maybe we can all just move to Southern California, to Ed Begley’s neighborhood, where the sun is always shining, and build solar powered cement ponds, where we can raise sustainable aquaculture, and plant bamboo to build our huts with. We’ll all just drop off our chamber pots at Ed’s place, because he’ll know what to do with an abundance of natural fertilizer.

This is what happens to a great mind when it’s forced to stay home because there is nowhere to go. (I knew I never should have traded in the four wheel drive SUV, which is the only vehicle on the streets today.)

There was this email I received Friday, which had me chuckling as I read it, about a Kahunanite who turned herself into Obi Wan Kanobi by using the force of the Stunmaster Telescopic Stun Baton on yet another dog who skipped out on Dog Whisperer 101. Granny is 64, and her daughter gave her the Stunmaster Telescopic Stun Baton as a birthday present last year, not to train bad dogs, but as a mook deterrent, because her neighborhood ain’t the best.

Granny had done a little grocery shopping, and was on her sidewalk when the mutt decided he wanted some of what was in the bags for dinner. Granny warned him away, swinging one of the bags at him, but he was determined to get what smelled delicious. He lunged again, and Granny decided to get into the phone booth and change. She brought the Stun Baton out of her purse, clicked the button, and when Rover made his move, she made hers.

Rover wasn’t sure what happened, but he didn’t want any food after that. One of Granny’s neighbors came to help, and they both watched the hound run until he was out of sight. The neighbor thought there was something almost biblical about Granny zapping the mutt, sort of like Moses lifting his staff to part the sea. (It was Moses, wasn’t it? I’m not exactly up on my Bible stories.)

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/telescopicstunbaton.htm

Mooks, dogs, ghosts, gremlins…none of them stand a chance against the Stunmaster Telescopic Stun Baton.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna