This morning I’m drinking some coffee from the old homestead, that being Hawaii, the coffee being a special not sold in stores variety, that if you could get it, would cost you about $50 a pound. One day last week a package containing five pounds of this heady brew arrived via UPS, from an old friend who knows his way around a luxury or two.

I’m purposely restraining myself at the moment, because y’all know how fired up I can get when I get too much caffeine in my system. Let me just say this, it isn’t easy, because this is the kind of coffee that needs no fillers of any kind, milk, cream, sugar, chocolate, not a damn thing at all. Like Adam Sandler in “Waterboy,” “Thass some good coffee.”

I got a note from a Kahunanite down in Georgia, who had the occassion to use one of her tools a few days back on a mook who clearly had not been attending mook practice, or doing the required mook drills.

Janet had been out carousing with friends at a hip new joint in what is called a “borderline” area, which means that the neighborhood is under gentrification, but that not everybody is on the same page yet. Restaurants and bars often spearhead neighborhood revivals, getting there way ahead of the curve.

After several hours of scarfing and babbling, the party broke up and Janet headed for her car. Before leaving she got a grip on her Police Model Mace Triple Action in her right hand, and her keys in her left. About half way across the parking lot a mook popped out of the shadow and tried to take her purse, saying, “Just give it up baby… and you won’t get hurt.”

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/tripleaction.htm

All of a sudden the mook began to experience problems he had clearly not anticipated, such as not being able to breathe, coughing, choking, hacking…and good god…why is my face on fire…and why can’t I see? Then…after recognizing all that…he felt a crushing sensation in his nutz, and his lizard brain kicked into high gear. (Datz your survival mechanism.)

The mook loped off, falling a couple of times, and heading in different directions each time he got up. (Kind of like a deer with an arrow in him) But the mook wasn’t going to die, because unknown to him, most of the effects would wear off. (All but one.)

Janet called the Police, they arrived, filled out a report, and left.

45 minutes after the incident, a patrol car turned a corner, and the coppers noticed a guy with a gigantic red splotch on his face. (UV Marking Dye) When they stepped out of the car the mook just sat down. The coppers hauled him off to the Mookatorium, where they found out that…he was a serial mook, with a sheet as long as his arm. (He was out because he had been rehabilitated)

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/tripleaction.htm

Mace Triple Action combines OC Pepper, CN Tear Gas, and UV Marking Dye, making it a formidable form of personal protection, and one you should have in your toolkit.

One more thing. According to the police, the mook did not even know he had been dyed until after he had been booked. (I’m betting he sported a Joe Dirt mullet too.)

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

I just woke up from a long sleep, no doubt induced by the sonoric, or is that sophmoric, tones of one Barack Hussein Obama, who last night hit a new low by insulting the Supreme Court during his State of the Union.

Yes…the Great Orator, with the Supreme Court sitting right in front of him, chided the Court for making a decision to overturn the ridiculous law known as McCain-Feingold, where two liberal progressive Senators, Russ Feingold of Wisconsin, and John McCain of Arizona, tried to legislate free speech by making it a crime for corporations, unions, and other large organizations from voicing their opinions during the Presidential campaign.

This kind of stupidity is what makes McCain a maverick, as the press likes to refer to him. Outside analysts will tell you that this heinous piece of legislation helped McCain defeat himself in the last election. While this was a factor, choking off folks who might have helped him, McCain really defeated himself by being just who he is, a guy that thinks he’s smarter than everybody else, and who needs no counsel other than his own.

His brother in arms is Barack Hussein Obama, who also considers himself the smartest guy in the room, and who benefitted from McCain- Feingold by getting his money from the little guys, like ACORN, and countless other unaccountable agencies and slush puppies. Obama had the gall to insult the Court in public by telling them they made the wrong decision on the law. This is an insult that will be remembered for a long time, and probably not in the President’s favor.

Which is only righteous in my mind, because this is a President who doesn’t believe in the Constitution anyway, except as a historical set piece.

The State of the Union speech served to remind me that we need to keep our guard up all the time, because the progressives will never stop trying to take away our basic rights, such as the right to defend ourselves against mooks.

When you start building your toolkit, one of the first products you should invest in is the Pepper Shot Tri-Pack.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/pepperspraytri-pack.htm

You get three peppers sprays, a 2 ounce canister, a 1/2 ounce visor clip for your car, and a 1/2 ounce spray on a key chain, which you have on your person at all times.

This is basic, fundamental protection, and it has proven itself in the arena time and time again. Sure…there are other, certainly more powerful deterents, but you don’t always need a .44 magnum to do a simple job. And it saves on the cleanup.

A quick spray to the eyes of a mook with a 1/2 ounce keychain model is more often than not all it takes to get you out of harms way. But what the Tri-Pack really does is give you options, and buy you time to get out the big stoppers should the need arise. And you know me, if you need to use a Big Stopper, you just go ahead and use it. That isn’t any time to be having a philosophical discussion, if you know what I mean.

In my family, there is a Tri-Pack in every car. One in the door, one on the visor, one on the keys. Now, there are plenty of other options on standby too, but it all started with a Tri-Pack. Get your toolkit started now, before it warms up, and the mooks start hanging around, shopping for what’s yours.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Ain’t nothin’ makes me happier than the story of a mook who gets himself handled the old fashioned way, as in getting his ass kicked good and hard, complete with bruises, welts, scratches, and a broken bone or two.

That’s just what happened to a mook I’ll call Rooty, to protect the upstanding citizen who dealt with him on the occassion of Rooty’s unannounced visit to a crib that didn’t belong to him. Rooty was attempting a little B & E in a suburb somewhere’s near Dallas, or was it Austin? Methinks it was in Texas because the OC (Outstanding Citizen) was wearing Lucchese boots.He mentioned this because he had to clean off some spatter the mook left when he fell onto the boots.

So it twas bout 1:30 in the AM last week when our OC heard some noise off his back door. He tuned in a little more deeply, and he definitely heard someone jimmying the lock. Our OC sighed, and pulled Old Reliable out of his boot. Old Reliable in this case was a 26 inch Steel Baton, attached to a tough, fit, and ornery 250 pound roughneck who stands 6 foot 4 inches tall in his bare feet.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/telescopic.htm

OC crept into a good position just off the kitchen, and waited for the mook to come in. A minute or two later the mook opened his frig, and got himself a beer, having a swallow or two as he cased the kitchen. The mook even commented on the temperature of the beer. “Nice and cold!” Then he finished it, putting the bottle on the counter.

He then strolled right into the next room, where he made a new friend, called TSB for short. (Telescopic Steel Baton) Now ordinarily, the mook never danced with folks he just met, but when he felt Old Reliable come crashing across his ribs he just sort of fell into a natural toe tapping.

He went to his right, where he had his knife, when Old Reliable kissed his left knee, sending him into a break dancing frenzy. Then he met with the Lucchese’s, who have always been a hard nosed bunch.

Then he felt himself being lifted, in a spiritual sort of way, and a new journey began, one in which he could hear the crunch of boot heels on gravel. Then he was falling, which was pleasant enough, at least until he hit what Uncle Jed called the see-ment. The next sensation was something thick and sort of oily and warm, but unfortunately for him, it wasn’t bubbling crude.

Right now our OC is at work, his good buddy Old Reliable tucked into his boot. Old Reliable doesn’t work very often, but when he does, it’s always a good story.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/telescopic.htm

Old Reliable comes in three sizes, 16, 21, and 26. You don’t want to mess with any of this bunch.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

This should be #1 in 24 hours

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpevc2t_Frw

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Over the weekend I received a note from a guy that purchased some tools a couple of years back. As I recall it was a rather large purchase, and he had to be providing weapons of mook destruction to a number of family members.

Included in that purchase were some Super Dog Chasers, a relatively inexpensive tool that is made specifically to short circuit a dog’s connective brain tissue by using high frequency sound. Dogs do not dig the sound of high frequency, much the same as I don’t dig Kanye West, but for Fido it’s much worse, and he can’t turn it off.

Soze our dude is getting out of his crate on Friday night when he sees a not too friendly pit bull where he definitely shouldn’t be, and that’s about 10 feet straight ahead. The dog stops, and then starts to exhibit some definite signs of bad behavior.

(And the Dog Whisperer is no where in sight.)

Dude reaches into his pocket, and fingers his DogChaser. A Mexican standoff occurs for a few moments, and then Fido starts toward our Dude, who turns on the Merle Haggard at 150 decibels. (I’m just kidding, high frequency sound doesn’t have genres.)

Fido gets within about three feet when he stops his attack, and starts whining and whimpering like starving puppy, and turns tail. He gets himself about 75 feet away, and lays down, trying to cover his ears.

Now before all you PETA sluts get all worked up about animal cruelty, the sound is not harmful to the dog. It is discomforting, which is why it works, and it keeps dog teeth out of your ass, which isn’t built for canine play.

A lot of mooks now travel with a dog, or dogs, which they have trained to be out of control. The Super Dog Chaser neutralizes these animals in the most humane way I can think of. Back in the old days on the street when I was confronted with a viscous dog, there was only one scenario, and that wasn’t a good one for Fido, although those dogs are much better off now than when they were living with their mook master. Certain societal guidelines prevented me from treating them the same way.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/dogchaser.htm

If you watched any of the Sunday morning talk shows yesterday, you know that the Obamessiah’s troops are in a full blown spin cycle. I can’t wait for the State of the Union, which promises to have more shizz in it than a Carolina pig farm. Get your hip boots and shovel ready, it’s going to get deep.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

This morning I have been reading the several newspapers I diligently peruse every morning, or sometime during the day.

In the headlines, the Supreme Court yesterday struck down the silly McCain-Feingold Act on campaign reform, a piece of legislation that was patently unconstitutional from the moment of itz inception. McCain’s Folly, as I called it, was instrumental in his own defeat by the Obamessiah. The Supreme Court agreed that it limits free speech, and is therefore no longer enforceable.

Whilst you and I have been cutting back, and are soon to start paying a bunch of heinous new taxes, goverment workers are having many a party on your dimes. It seems the Obama people are not enforcing controls on how the government does business, and that government workers are now acting as though they are the new and improved AIG. Watchdog groups who easily found out such information in the past are being stonewalled by the Obama people, who don’t like to admit that they have champagne tastes and caviar dreams. They also like first class airfare, 5 star hotels, and as much golf as they can get in on some of nations top courses.

Nancy Pants said yesterday that she doesn’t have the votes to pass health care reform out of the House, and that there will be no rush.

John Edwards admitted what everyone has known for two years, that he is the father of a baby born to a campaign aide. But stay tuned, because he may be the father of more than one.

The Justice Department is exerting executive priviledge in the Black Panther voter fraud case, refusing to release memo’s between the Attorney General and staffers.

Obama is busy this morning trying to become a populist by trashing the banks, who have repaid his money but can’t seem to shake his hand off their ass.

But the most important story of the day is that the military is coming under intense fire for trying to court martial 3 Navy Seals for punching a terrorist in the stomach. 100,000 people have signed up for a Facebook page, “Support The Navy Seals Who Captured Ahmed Hashim Abed.”

I have written about this story twice before, and the Chief Jackass in Charge, Army Major General C.T. Cleveland, who should turn in his fatigues, and order a dress. He is a politically correct moron, who can’t seem to figure out who the enemy is. (Now we all know who is helping him…I think he’s called Commander Dithers, who never met an Arab he couldn’t bow to.)

The Defense Department is now employing every slime dog trick in the book to get someone to talk, and if the Big Kahuna was in charge, there would be quite a number of forced retirements among the officer class. The General is feeling the heat, and felt it necessary to cry to Congressman Dan Burton, who rejected his reasoning out of hand.

Keep your eye on this case, and send letters to your Congressman and Senators, who just might be listening a little better after Tuesday.

You don’t send a Seal Team out to capture a killer with daisies. And if the sumbitch gets a little bruised up he can thank Allah he isn’t dead. Because if it had been me…I think my weapon may have misfired due to a manufacturing problem. Because as my longtime Rushkie friend says, “Dead terrorists tell no tales.”

Or if you just alter the words…Ready…Aim…Fire..to…Fire…Ready…Aim we wouldn’t be wasting tax dollars and time on tablecloth wearing turds.

And before I go today…I just want to say that if you drive a pick up truck you must be a racist, at least according to Keith Olbermann, (PMS NBC) and Howard Fineman.(Newsweek) They opined that the symbolism of the pick up is a secret subliminal message to

Whitey. Which just proves that they don’t know anybody that isn’t a carbon copy of themselves. (A..holes)

Next week they’ll be bringing back the vast right wing conspiracy.

I’m not kidding.

Right now I’m going to check my toolbox to see if I need anything for spring. You should do the same.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Last night as I sat in my Lazyboy recliner and watched the results of the Taxachusetts special election I thought back to a time many moons ago, when the the mellifluous voice of the long dead Howard Cosell called out to tens of millions across the globe, “Down Goes Frazier! Down Goes Frazier! Down Goes Frazier!”

Except in this case, the dulcet tones would have rung out “Down Goes Coakley! Down Goes Coakley! Down Goes Coakley!”

Start spreadin’ the news…it’s a Frank Sinatra kind of day.

But while many of us rejoice in Scott Brown’s victory, this is a fight that is far from over, and one in which the other fighter, the Obamessiah himself, is far from being knocked out, eyes closed, mouthpiece out, and body limp on the canvas. No…he still stands, defiant, tin ears growing in size, anger burning in his chest, the communist blood boiling in his veins, ready to do battle.

Around 3 AM I swear I heard him say, “Now it’s on Mother……..s. I got game. I’m the LeBron of politics, you just watch me.”

The early morning talk shows had all the Chicago thugs on, spinning this crushing defeat as fast as Formula 1 race cars, though Axelrod and Gibbs looked as though somebody left them in the dryer too long.

Over at MSNBC, (which isn’t really even a network if you consider the ratings), the pain was close to angina level. Olbermann, (Tingle) Matthews, O’Donnell, Maddow and company were apoplectic, having trouble forming consonants to follow vowels. The best they could come up with was that this was part of an “Anti-incumbent something or other.” (Which is why nobody watches.)

(Tingle) Matthews is so out of it that if I didn’t know better I would say that one of my Kahuna Kommando’s is secretly zapping him a couple of times a day with a Pretender Stun Gun. How else can you explain his support of voter fraud as a Democratic tactic? (Other than he was born in the City of Brotherly Love.)

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/pretender-cellphone-stun-gun.htm

So today…have a cocktail…maybe a few. Enjoy the moment…then start thinking about who’s next on the list.

Oh…before I forget…I have been using the wrong moniker on Harry (Squeaky) Reid. In Nevada…as I was told by a lifelong resident…he is known as Pinky. So goodbye Squeaky…hello Pinky!

Pinky is definitely on the top of my list. You should start volunteering now, because the real battle is just getting started. Don’t forget that Obama has a $700 million dollar war chest, and if you thought there was no more “walking around” money…think again.

Just be glad Dick Morris isn’t on his team.

You now know change is possible.

The Devil has his game face on, but sweat is pouring down his back.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Commander Dithers was in Taxachusetts yesterday, looking highly energized, and telling lies faster than you could count them. According to him, he fixed the economy, reformed health care, cut taxes for the middle class, stopped terrorism, won the war in Afghanistan, and even found a husband for Oprah.

What you were witnessing was not the Obamessiah campaigning for Martha, (Coakley…not Stewart), but for himself…because he knows that if Scott Brown wins in Taxachusetts…it’s a short road back to community organizing.

The election of Scott Brown means…that even in Taxachusetts…the people are waking up, and they don’t like what they see. In a state where registered Democrats outnumber Republicans 10 to 1, it’s a dead heat, and the election really depends on how many people go the polls. If you know anybody who lives there, phone them up and urge them to vote for Brown.

Last week Brown was asked how he felt about winning Teddy Kennedy’s seat, and he gave a brilliant answer. He said, “It isn’t Kennedy’s seat, it’s the peoples seat.”

If only we had a few more Republicans with that kind of savvy. Jumpin’ John McCain certainly could have used those motor skills in his anemic campaign against Obama, and the new book “Game Change” lets you know in no uncertain terms that McCain might have been a bigger douchebag than Commander Dithers, although it’’s a close call.

I’m so excited by the possibility of a Brown win I may give the troops here the next day off if it happens. (That will be with pay.)

And then…and then…it’s off to Nevada to take down Senate Maojority Leader Harry (Squeaky) Reid.

What this all means is…Pelosi can be taken down too.

I’m getting too giddy. (Heart, bestill thyself!)

Here’s an idea. Let’s all go stand around the polling places like the Black Panthers in Philadelphia, and use stun guns like the Knuckle Blaster on Coakley supporters. Let’s dare the Attorney General to prosecute us for interfering with the voting rights of Democrats, since he couldn’t see how the Black Panthers interfered with Republicans…I mean white folks.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/knuckleblasterstungun.htm

On the flip flop, I read a great book over the weekend. It was written by Robert Crais, and it’s called “The First Rule.” I’ve read every one of Crais’s books, and this is his best yet. This one features Joe Pike, the main sidekick of Elvis Cole, who is the main character in most of the series. Pick it up, you won’t be disappointed.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

I received one of my favorite mags in the mail yesterday, and it had a good story in it about a woman from Michigan who took care of a mook …who just happened to be her husband.

What she did was shoot him once in the chest to get his attention, and then when he failed that test, she put a couple of rounds in his head, which sort of ended the whole brouhaha.

According to the report in the mag, the two lovebirds had a “tempestuous” relationship, and police had been called to their home on numerous previous occassions to break up domestic tiffs.

On the occassion of the mook’s demise, the wife had recently returned from work at a retail business she owned and operated when her husband/mook assaulted her. She was in the living room when the mook/husband came in and started removing his clothes to take off his belt. He then put the belt around her neck and started to choke her.

The mook/husband then pushed the wife up the stairs with the belt around her neck while he retrieved a firearm. When he pointed his gun at his wife, he told her he was going to kill her.

The wife then drew her .38 caliber Roscoe Revolver from her fanny pack, (I missed the word “pack” the first time), and fired, planting a slug in her mook/husband’s chest. Apparently this pissed the husband/mook off, and he threatened to kill her again, raising his gun. The wife then put some lead in his head, and dat…as they say…was dat.

The prosecutor’s office has declined to charge the wife, saying she acted in self defense, and police reports support her version of the events.

Well…if that ain’t a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year story I don’t know what is. Yowza!

Most of the time I would say that a Big Kahuna tool would do the trick, and has, in hundreds of cases. A good blast of Wildfire to the face, or voltage to the nutz is enough to back most mooks off. But when they already have a gun, and have shown a proclivity to use it, or threaten with it, then you have to match firepower with more firepower, which is what happened here, to the dearly, and now departed.

(RIPMF)

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/wildfire.htm

Protect your right to keep and bear arms, whether it be a Big Kahuna tool, or a game stopper.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

I wanted pass along this little story from one of the regulars named J, who signed off “Love, J, which is a tad odd for a man to man thing. Anyway…I apologize to everyone in advance should they be offended.

The Israelis and Arabs realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world, so they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: A duel of two, like David and Goliath.

This would be a dog fight! The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies.. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty,ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long! Everyone at the dog-fight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp.

The bookies all took onelook and predicted the Arab dog would win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leaped from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer-dog’s tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweillers and Siberian wolves. They developed an incredible killing machine of a dog”.

The Israeli General replied. “Well, for 5 years we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills, California working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna