There are those who will say that it ain’t poor little Janet’s fault that she can’t find her ample ass with four sets of eyes and three pair of hands. She has the damnable itch that just won’t go away, the itch being those quirky jihadists that are seemingly immune to every powder, cream, and lotion the Obama administration wants to use in order to make everything soothingly calm.

Poor little Janet first told us that “the system worked,” and then the next day had to amend her remarks in the face of their incredible stupidity. But then she has been busy looking for terrorists recently discharged from the Army and Marine Corp, who according to her report, were highly susceptible to becoming right wing pawns. (and terrorists)

Her boss, Commander Dithers, interrupted his golf game to say that he was on the job, and there will be more apologies coming in the new year. Dithers then had Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, (the BVD Bomber), indicted on charges of trying to destroy an aircraft, which means that the BVD Bomber will have the full array of rights accorded to every defendant in an American court, thus insuring years of legal work for Obama’s friends on the left, including the recently departed Chief White House Counsel.

Right this minute little Janet is at her desk pondering ways to harass the flying public, including searching old people in wheelchairs, while government bureaucrats ignore warnings as big as those ads flashing on the new Dallas Cowboys Super Screen. Eight years after 9/11 the gubmint agencies still don’t talk to each other, or coordinate anything of importance.

Commander Dithers is going to investigate, and get to the bottom of this, though he’s still having trouble actually saying the word terrorist.

Oh, and this is very important…this is just another isolated incident… just like the Ft. Hood shooter…who just happened to have the same imam in Yemen. And don’t forgot the five young men from northern Virginia,now under arrest in Pakistan, who just happened to communicate with the imam too.

Commander Dithers seems to be like the old country sod who had a hard time telling his two horses apart, except for the fact that one was black, and the other white.

The big incident is coming, much as I hate to say it. Our borders are a sieve, and it won’t be long before one of the jihadists walks in from Canada or Mexico, and blows up whatever he can. Maybe then Dithers will get it, but by then it will be to late for him.

And no matter what he says, the American people won’t buy that it’s George W. Bush’s fault. They’ve had about enough of that line about “inheriting the most serious problems ever faced by a new President.”

The lipstick is all used up. Your pig is your pig.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

‘ll get to the Nigerian nut in a minute, but who I want to talk about is the home grown sumbitch who is the mother confessor for all these terrorists, including 9/11 members, the Ft. Hood Monster, and now this stupid Nigerian, radicalized in London, while supposedly studying for a degree.

His name is Anwar al Awlaki, and he used to preach right here in my backyard in northern Virginia, at what is called the “prominent” Dar al-Hijrah Mosque,before blowing town in the middle of the night, ventually ending up in Yemen, where he runs an Al Queda recruitment center on the internet.

Now supposedly we had kilt this guy a couple of weeks back with a drone attack, that’s what was announced anyway, and then lo and behold, he shows up on the radar again after the thwarted attempt by the goofy Nigerian to turn himself into charcoal. You’d think Jimmy Carter was running the operation. (But he was busy apologizing for his nasty anti-Semetic remarks, so we know it wasn’t him. Yes, the Nobel Peace Prize recipient is Jewphobic, and he has been given a pass for way too long on this.)

So the failed operation has to be attributed to the current commander, Mr. Dithers, who is busy in Hawaii, spending more of his book money.

Letz think about this for a minute.

We can’t locate a traitor in Yemen?

And then take him out?

We should be able to find this guy with a couple of good dog teams. (And my apologies to the dogs…who have to smell this pig up close. I would grant them Beggin Strips for life.)

Now we did take out a number of Al Queda operatives with the drone, which is always a good thing, but we need to make sure we get this guy and douse him with pork blood before we send him off to the big BBQ in the sky, which serves pig 100 different ways 24 hours a day.

It’s a place where everybody knows your name, which in this case would be Arnold, just like on Green Acres. And all the waitresses are at least 65, and weigh 200 pounds or more. They also carry Mace Pepper Gel in their aprons, and have the green light to hit old Anwar everytime they walk by, which is often, because if you think BBQ is popular here, wait till you get upstairs.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/peppergel.htm

Now for the dumbass Nigerian.

I say we give him what he wants. We go back and find some old “Burn Baby Burn” signs, and then build a nice bonfire on some glass littered lot in Detroit, which shouldn’t be hard to find. We soak his clothes in pig blood, and get a good crust on them.

Then on New Year’s Eve, as the clock winds down, we set the pile on fire, beaming the whole thing around the world. Unlike Commander Dithers, we know who the enemy is, and how to deal with them.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Every now and again I get a little something from one of our boys serving abroad. One of the things that makes us uniquely American is the ability to laugh in the middle of a war zone, a quality the terrorists don’t seem to have in their jihad catalog.

This falls under the category YOU MIGHT BE TALIBAN IF:

1) You refine heroin, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2) You own a $3000 machine gun and a $5000 rocket launcher, but no shoes.

3) You have more wives than teeth.

4) You wipe your ass with your hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”

5) You think vests come in two styles; bulletproof and suicide.

6) You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

7) You consider television dangerous, but routine carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9) You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10) You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

Now…back in the day…way back…General Black Jack Pershing was confronted by terrorist attacks in the Philippines by Muslim extremists.

This is how he handled the situation.

General Pershing captured 50 terrorists, and had them tied to posts for execution. He then had his men bring in two pigs and slaughter them in front of the horrified terrorists. As you may know, Muslims detest pork because they believe pigs are filthy animals. Some of them refuse to eat it, while others will not touch pigs at all, or any by products. To them, eating or touching a pig, it’s meat, it’s blood, etc is to be instantly barred from paradise, (and those 72 virgins), and damned to hell.

The soldiers then proceeded to soak their bullets in the pigs blood, and then executed 49 of the terrorists by firing squad. The soldiers then dug a big hole, dumped in the terrorists bodies, and covered them with pig blood, pig guts, pig parts, and so on.

They let the 50th man go free.

For the next 42 years there was not a single Muslim extremist attack on anyone, anywhere in the world.

So to all you yellow, spineless supporters of closing Gitmo, I say:

Waterboarding is for pussies!

Lordy, what is in the coffee today? I better get off to church and shake these demons. (A couple of minutes of me singing ought to do the trick.)

Remember, if you have some extra Christmas money, you should spend it on something that loves you back. Like anything in the catalog.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Merry Christmas,

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

The Chuckster is in the news again. Not Charles Barkley, whom I like, but Chuck (U Farley) Schumer, the senior Senator from New York, who last weekend was on a plane spreading the holiday cheer.

Chuck has a special way of making people feel good when he travels by plane, especially if you’re just a lowly flight attendant. The story is that the Chuckster was on his cell phone with Senate Majority Leader Harry (Squeaky) Reid when a flight attendant told him to wrap it up for takeoff.

Chuck told the flight attendant that he was on the phone with Squeaky, and the flight attendant told him politely that it didn’t matter, all phones had to be off for takeoff. (This is a rule for everyone, but liberals always think that rules apply to everyone except themselves.) Chucky Boy then muttered something to the effect that the healthcare bill was just going to have to wait, (like this conversation between he and Squeaky was the straw that stirred the drink), and then called the flight attendant a “Bitch.”

Unfortunately for Chuck (U Farley), there were several Republican staffers within a few seats who heard the whole exchange. Even Chuckie Cheesez chief of staff admitted that what happened was true. You have to love these hypocrites like Chuck. They always stand foursquare with “the people.” Except of course, if you’re a “Bitch,” or anybody else who tries to make them follow the rules everybody else does.

If the Big Kahuna had been that flight attendant, (and my oh my… what a sight that would be) I would have asked politely one time, and then…and then…when Chuck continued his rap with Squeaky, I would have demurely applied Double Trouble and itz 1.2 million volts right below his ear. The gentle application would have continued until the Chuckster’s head was in the seat, with his feet over the seat in front of him, and his shoes flying toward the pilot’s door.

Now that…would have been something to see.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/doubletroublestungun.htm

I would even have given him a couple of quarters, so he could call Patrick Kennedy, who also has problems with airline personnel.

Next time he should fly Air Pelosi.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Merry Christmas,

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

This morning itz nine days until Christmas, and I still haven’t made up my mind about what to make for Christmas dinner. I really should do the smart thing, (make reservations), but I find it very strange to be anywhere but home on Christmas.

I’ve had a no travel rule in effect on the holidays for around ten years, which I have appreciated, even if no one else has. We used to do a road trip at Christmas time to parts of the northeast, where the wife has lotz of family.

It was nice nice to see them, (except for their politics), but physically it was a real grind, especially coming home, which sometimes took up to fourteen hours on the road. I had to do all the driving too, because my wife doesn’t like driving for more than an hour or so.

One particular Christmas we ran up against a blazing snowstorm, and it took 21 hours to get home. It was shortly after arriving home, and imbibing about eight fingers of Lagavulin, that I decreed that their would be no more travel on holidays.

This decree has served me well for over a decade, along with waking up in my own bed, and being able to raid the refrigerator at any time of the day or night. The decree has also meant that I have to cook dinner, since it would take the wife an entire week to get burgers and potato salad on the table, and you had better hope she bought the potato salad at the deli.

I put together an impressive spread at Thanksgiving, which we knoshed on for days afterward. We had a smoked turkey, and a killer ham. and the problem is, I don’t want to repeat anything.

So I’ve been thinking about prime rib, shrimp, crab, clams, mussels and a New Orleans kind of theme. Then the wife tells me yesterday that one of the guests has some food issues.

What? (She’s a guest.)

Now I’ve been invited to many a gathering in my day, and many of them were family affairs, like this one. I would never have presumed to tell the host, or hostess, what I would, or wouldn’t eat. If you’re that fussy, stay home. (And some other untoward things.)

And of course…she’s a V—-, who should be forcefed some lard, in the Christmas spirit, of course. Now letz think about this…I’m invited to a Christmas dinner thrown by some V—–, and I tell them I’d really like to have some Prime Rib. Seriously, do you think for one minute they are going to accomodate me? (Hell no!) I can hear them whispering now…”Can you imagine… he wanted us to put meat…meat…on the table!”

So my solution is this:

I’m going to use her as a guinea pig, (Tee hee), for demonstrating how the Hot Shot Stun Gun works. I’m going to use itz almost a million volts to rewire her circuits a tad, and then take pictures of her scarfing the beef like an African lioness.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/hotshotstungun.htm

Don’t you just love it when a plan comes together? Then later, we’ll lard and feather her…and send her home.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Merry Christmas,

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Poor poor Senate Majority Leader Harry (Squeaky) Reid. He said he would keep the Senate in session until he got a healthcare bill, and then those pesky Republicans actually made him keep his word by forcing a vote on Saturday on the 1.1 trillion dollar budget bill.

Reid had thought that his bluff wouldn’t be called, and cried all weekend to anybody who would listen when he had to tell the rest of part-timers, (ur…Senators), that they couldn’t go home for the weekend.

This forced Joe Lieberman to have to walk from temple to the Capitol, because he doesn’t drive on the Sabbath. But the real reason for the crisis was that Squeaky had a big fundraiser scheduled down in the bayou in Louisiana, and he had to cancel.

Squeaky said the Republicans were trying to “embarrass and denigrate him.” I guess the fact that he can’t seem to raise any money in his home state of Nevada isn’t embarrassing enough by itself, so he has to blame his woes on somebody else. Polling results reported by Las Vegas news outlets show Squeaky running behind two unknown Republicans, a dead mobster, and two foul smelling dumpsters behind the Bellagio.

If things continue on the same trajectory, Squeaky is about to find out what “By the people, and for the people” actually means. Hopefully, that would mean that he gets sent back to whatever it was he was doing before he was elected to the Senate, just like his predecessor, Tom (Tommy Boy) Daschle, who still rides around Washington in a limo, pulling down somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 million buckaluckas per annum by doing the peoples business. (Such as writing the current health care proposals.)

In the current budget proposal of a trillion plus dollars, some 446 billion is discretionary, which means that it’s pork with a capital P. That’s the number of earmarks added in (over 5000) for Senator’s pet pig projects, which even include $2.6 million for surgery in outer space. (I kid you not, this goes to the University of Nebraska.)

I have a solution for this pork problem, and of course it’s politically incorrect.

First offense: A one second blast from The Runt Stun Gun applied to the ample ass of the offending Senator.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/runtstungun.htm

Second offense: A three second charge from the Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun applied under the arm.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/knuckleblasterstungun.htm

Third offense: A five second circuit breaker from the Double Trouble Stun Gun just under the ear.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/doubletroublestungun.htm

This should encourage some meaningful change, or prove that these idiots are truly transparent. (There ain’t no there there)

If you want anything for Christmas, get your order in by Friday this week. All shipping guarantees are toast after that due to huge number of packages overwhelming the system.

Stay aware. alert, and have a plan.

Merry Christmas,

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Nothing like this ever happened in my high school, which was ba-ba boring as hell. But hey…itz New Yawk, and Brooklyn to be more specific, at a school named after a president who wasn’t our old friend Billy (Jaybird) Clinton.

According to the New Yawk Daily News, (an impeccable source), two teachers of the female persuasion were (ALLEGEDLY) caught nude (TOGETHER) in a classroom at James Madison High School. Students at the high school were in the auditorium watching a (talent show) while the two linguists were auditioning for a website, or speaking the international language of love.

Unfortunately, the task of watching the French and Spanish teachers little afternoon frolic fell not to a student volunteer, but to a wide eyed and certainly judgemental janitor, who turned the couldn’t find a hotel pair into the pricipal, who turned out to be a sourpuss himself.

Students who would talk on the record about the incident described the teachers as “hotties,” particularly the ooh la la French teacher, who favored low cut tops, shorts, and three quarter length jeans.

I was born too early. It certainly seems like high school is a much more exciting place than it was back in the late 60’s and early 70’s. Back then there was no such thing a a “hottie” teacher, and no teacher I ever heard of walked around the building in a low cut top with shorts. In fact, nobody was stylin’ in that way at all. Even at the beach things were still pretty modest by today’s standards.

But obviously, things have changed. Down in Tampa, Florida, there must be something in the local water supply. In the last year or so at least three female teachers have been arrested for having sex with students, and two of the teachers were getting it on with multiple students, including middle school boys.

Tampa authorities had to drop the cases where students were over the age of 16, because they can legally consent to sex. A couple of the teachers were rearrested for continuing to have sex with students after their first arrest, and they had big smiles for the camera when it happened.

Now…I can solve this problem.

It is a tad Cro Magnon, and Pavlovian, but I think it will work. It involves an industrial size can of one of my favorite products, Wildfire Pepper Spray. Every time they have to put one of these teachers in the paddywagon, they give them a little spray in the paw paw patch.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/wildfire.htm

For boys under 16, they get a double spray. It may not be politically correct, but I think it will be effective.

And just so everyone knows I’m all about equal justice; if the offender is male, just get out the cleaver, beaver.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Merry Christmas,

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

It’s getting really hard to believe, but some people just don’t get it. With all the material out there telling you how to protect yourself, there are people who still believe it can’t happen to them.

Maybe they should have a chat with the Maryland woman who was abducted, where the mook tried to cut open her stomach and remove her baby. (I’m sure that guy just needs a little rehabilitation.)

Obviously these people don’t read, listen to the radio, or watch television. Or maybe they get their worldview from Katie Couric, or Keith Olbermann. (Say…anybody see those pictures of Katie shaking her moneymaker at the party in New York?) Only a little visible cellulite…now that’s just wrong, ain’t it? My deepest apologies and so on. She is 50 something. I had better move on here.

I received a communique from a woman in Taxachusetts telling me that she would never carry, or let her children carry, weapons of violence, such as a stun gun, taser, Mace, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. She believed in peace, and sending out good, healthy energy.

What she is…is a dope. There ain’t no other way to put it, and she is…in my book…a child abuser too. To willfully raise children in this world to not be able to defend themselves is a total abrogation of parental responsibility. If you don’t want to sully yourself…well fine, but if you think your silly talk or your aura is going to keep you safe…you are a total idiot.

You’re the type of idiot that should be sent to jail and forced to eat fried baloney and onion sandwiches cooked in lard. (I was getting the vegetarian vibe off the email…and we all know that that makes a person brain deficient.) You combine that with living in a mind polluted environment, such as Taxachusetts, and you have a problem that needs serious attention.

Stun guns.

I got ‘em.

You need ‘em.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

I have mini stuns guns, like The Runt, and the Hot Shot.

I have Cell Phone Stun Guns, several kinds…even a Pink one.

I’ve got Double Trouble, the Knuckle Blaster.

There’s the Telescopic Stun Baton, regular Stun Batons, Stun Flashlights, and many, many more.

There is no reason to walk around unprotected when it costs so little to make yourself a Junkyard Dog.

You know what they call a happy go lucky pooch?

Bait.

You know what they call a Junkyard Dog?

Anything he wants to be called.

The choice is yours.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Merry Christmas,

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Three Navy SEALS are going to be court martialed because an Islamic terrorist has a bloody lip. Meanwhile five Islamic terrorist’s are going to be tried in civilian court in New York, with all the rights and priviledges of a U.S. citizen, courtesy of Commander Dithers, and his (Attorney) General, Eric Holder. Commander Dithers says that decision was made by General Holder, which we all know is a crock of foul smelling brew.

Ahmed Hashim Abed was the mastermind of an attack on four Blackwater USA security guards in Fallujah in 2004. The Blackwater agents were transporting supplies for a catering company when they were ambushed, and killed by gunfire and grenades. The Terrorist’s then dragged the bodies throught the city, set them on fire, and hung two of them over a bridge on the Euphrates River for the world press to photograph.

Ahmed had been on the run since 2004, and was the target of Operation Amber, an ongoing operation. The SEALS tracked this scumsucking rodent down, and captured him. After his capture he was briefly turned over to Iraqi security, where he told the bushy mustaches that the SEALS had “punched him in the gut, and bloodied his lip.”

Poor, poor Ahmed.

Maybe the SEALS should have hooked him up to the back of a HUMVEE and dragged him around the desert. Then maybe soaked him in kerosene and used him as a streetlight. Then we could have sold his body for medical research.

The SEALS were offered a letter of reprimand to go in their jacket. They refused. (And rightly so.)

So General Cleveland decided to bring the court martial charges. (Because the military is sensitive to abuse charges since Abu Graib.) They want to show the world that we are a model of diversity, even if it means cashiering the very guys who make it possible for the liberal numbskulls to keep their mouths open while their brains are disengaged.

This court martial is a disgrace. Bringing up elisted men, (you notice officers are never charged), for doing their job is destestable. If their Commander had any brains at all he would make this go away faster than a bullet train.

I’ll tell ya…if the Big Kahuna was in charge…ole Ahmed wouldn’t have to worry about a punch to the gut, or a bloody lip. I would have given him a Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun sandwich…with both hands. I would have dusted off some of those old combinations I learned in the gym about forty years ago, and used Ahmed as a heavy bag.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/knuckleblasterstungun.htm

With just shy of a million volts a punch, ole Ahmed would have been so banged up that he couldn’t have even seen his lip. That’s if I had been in a good mood. I’m still trying to figure out why we brought the sumbitch in alive.

As the Rooshkies say, “Da Dead Don’t Complain!”

What’s next, Abdul breaks a nail…and he sues? (I think we should give ole Ahmed a choice. He can have a ten minute head start in North Georgia, or he can be John Kerry’s valet.) He’ll take the headstart, believe me.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Merry Christmas,

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

I had just put the finishing touches on my Christmas recommendations when someone dropped a big tootsie roll into the holiday punch bowl. The serial offender was none other than MSNBC’s Chris (Tingle) Matthews, the tall lanky blonde who gets that special feeling in his leg whenever the Obamessiah opens his mouth. (To speak.)

Matthews was running his mouth faster than his brain could feed it credible information while conversating with David Corn, an old time leftist from the Nation magazine, the crown jewel of the socialist mofasses. Ole Tingle, analyzing Maobama’s speech, said that “Obama had come to the enemy camp (West Point) to speak.”

He went on blathering that Wolfowitz (Paul) often came here (West Point) to drum up support for the Bush policies, and that “he could sense hostility to the President by older members of the audience.” (Such as senior military officers, and parents of cadets.) Who in their right mind; who is in the military, a parent of one of the young cadets, wouldn’t be hostile to Commander Dithers, a guy who can’t make decisions, and who is more concerned about exit strategies than winning.

Yeh, the Afghani leader is a crook, a criminal, and so on and such forth. And yes, Pakistan is important, and that’s where Osama and Loonbeams are hiding. But first things first.

1) Wipe out the Taliban.

2) Call the Pakistani’s when that’s finished and tell them they have a month to turn over Bin Laden, and if they fail, here we come.

3) Flush out Bin Laden, and his crew, buy some carbon credits, ( tee hee), and start the bonfire. Let the ashes fall over China, which is a polluted cesspool anyway.

4) Drop a few of those concussion bombs on the Iranian mullahs. (Like as many as we can produce.)

5) Assign Ole Tingle to the Tehran Bureau, and give him a microphone that works every now and then, just so we know if his circuits are still abuzz with that special Obamessiah juice. MSNBC Team Tehran could also use Keith Olbermann, Nora O’Donnell, Joe Klein, and a host of others. I’ll even make sure they get some nice tents. (They’ll have to forage for their own makeup and shampoo.)

Shame on you Chris Tingle. I wouldn’t have believed you could be as dumb as you are tall, but there it is.

From now on we can say, “That’s not just stupid…that’s Chris Matthew’s stupid.”

You know, speaking of tall and stupid…I just remembered that a few moons back I had an encounter with a mook who was quite a bit taller than me. He was a fair fighter, strong, agile, and he had a long reach, something I had to learn the hard way.

This was a situation that required me to be as quiet as can be, and had I had something like the Mace Pepper Gun I could have handled the situation without the bruising and swelling.

The Mace Pepper Gun has an effective range of 25 feet, and certainly would have prevented the mook’s knuckles from crashing into the side of my head.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/mace-pepper-gun.htm

I could have hit him easily in the face from where I emerged, and he would have had all he could handle just to keep breathing normally. At that point I could have easily rendered him unconscious, and gone on with my mission. He did end up unconscious, but it was more work than I needed. I’ll always take easy over taking blows, and had the Mace Pepper Gun been available at the time, I certainly would have used it. There is a reason this tool was named Best New Self Defense Product of the Year in 2007.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Merry Christmas,

Nui (Claus) Kahuna

P.S. I’m working on something I think y’all will like. I get a lot of email, and some of the stuff I get sent is great stuff. So on the web site I’m in the process of building a “Wall” where you can come in and comment on the email/blog, and leave your material, or point of view, for everyone to see. Hopefully this will be ready to go by the first of the new year, which ain’t that far away. That way emails will deal with just products, or something personal.

So…get ready to sound off. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.