Round about two weeks ago I joined an organization, and paid the membership fee for two years. (It was $87, if I recall correctly.) I’m telling you this becuz I don’t belong to many “organizations.” Being sort of a loner by trade means that I don’t like to be obligated to much.

I did this primarily becuz a friend recommended it, and I checked out the website, and the guy behind it. I put out a couple of calls, and all the feedback I got was positivo.

Saturday I got my welcome package in the mail, and I was surprised by the extremely high quality approach. Contained in the envelope were a couple of bizness cards entitled, “Defensive Shooting Guidlines for the Responsibly Armed Citizen.”

Printed on these cards is some valuable information that I’m passing along to you.

When you call 911…this is what you say:

“I was afraid for my life, and was forced to defend myself. Please send an ambulance right away.”

When the police arrive…this is what you say:

“1) He attacked me.

2) I’ll sign a complaint.

3) There’s the evidence.

4) I need to talk to my lawyer…and I do not consent to a search.”

There’s more information on the back of the card, in the magazine, and on the website, and it’s all good solid stuff. The information comes from the United States Concealed Carry Association, which can be found at:

http://www.USConcealedCarry.com

Right now there are about 25,000 members all over the country. Now these guidlelines are technically about what to do if you fire a gun at a mook, which I don’t have any problems with. But they make sense today if you use any kind of force to defend yourself, your loved ones, or property.

With all these Maobamites around we’ll be lucky if we can even call them mooks in a few years, because it might hurt their feelings or violate some idiotic diversity law.

Now…don’t go thinking you can improve the information. Just memorize it, or if you’re mentally challenged like me, put it on a card and keep it in your wallet or purse. This is absolutely all you say unless you are in the presence of a good attorney, who will tell you what to do, and say.

The reason I am telling you this is because mooks are often better protected than you are legally, and saying something without counsel can help the mook defense, which you definitely don’t want to do.

So follow the rules listed if you have incapacitated a mook with a stun gun, taser, pepper spray, or mace.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

For those of you that have a roscoe, or if you’re seriously thinking about getting one, or two…or three, this is a good outfit for you to belong to, with a lot of very interesting information that you might put to good use.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

P.S. If you want any tools by Christmas, I’ll need your order by December 16th.

Commander Dithers held his first state dinner a cupla days ago, and lo and behold, a Virginia wannabe celebrity TV couple waltzed right in, and had a jolly good time, being photographed with Rambo Emmanuel, and of course, everybody’s favorite wacky uncle, Joltin’ Joe Biden.

News reports leaking out since the incident tell the story of a White House just not all that concerned with security, because as everyone knows, everybody loves Commander Dithers. Many reports are saying thatthe clueless White House staff cut back on presidential security in order to save some cash.

I’m sure that terrorist operatives around the world are taking copious notes about this situation. Hell…not only is it more than easy to get in the country…now you can just walk into a formal state dinner at the White House by getting all gussied up.

It hasn’t been going well for Commander Dithers the last couple of weeks. It started with his bowing to the bigwig in Japan, then the commies in China dissed him, his attorney general barely got through a congressional hearing about the terrorist trials in New York, the jobs claims for the stimulus turned out to be phony, and now it looks as though all those global warming scientists were conspiring to keep data that proved they were charlatans out of public view.

But here’s what I care about, even though I disagree with almost everything this President stands for.

Not having proper Presidential security is an insult to the office of President of the United States, who is still the leader of the greatest country on earth, whether Commander Dithers believes it or not.

The fact that a wannabe celebrity couple could just walk in to the White House without anyone contesting their credentials is an insult to each and every American. Ronald Reagan had so much respect and reverence for the office that he would never remove his jacket while sitting behind the desk. Commander Dithers ought to think about that.

He also ought to ponder the damage that could have been done if it had been other than a wannabe celebrity who waltzed in.

Now had it been the Big Kahuna running the security gig, those two wannabe’s would have been on the receiving end of the Knuckle Blaster stun gun, which would have knocked their dancing shoes clean off, reparted the gentleman’s hair, and shaken the ladies ample booty. Then I would have dragged them out of the place and dumped them on the street far from any photographers, and close to a good number of stinkin’ dumpsters, where I would have had my team apply a special shoe massage I learned in Thailand.

Then we would headed back to the White House where we would have bitch slapped about half the White House staff.

Let’s hope these dummies learned something from this incident.

Don’t hold your breath.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/knuckleblasterstungun.htm

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Just like Tom Cruise felt the need for speed…I’m in the mood to be rude. I have to get it all out today because the wife’s family is due to arrive tomorrow, and I’ve already been warned that I must be on my best behavior.

Now having the relatives around wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t devoted disciples of the Obamessiah, who get all the news that’s fit to print from the New York Times. One of my wife’s sisters is even a fan of Keith Olbermann, that douchebag from MSNBC who has a following as big as a runway models ass. I think I’m going to be able to make it through Thanksgiving Day, but after that I ain’t making any promises.

The breaking point will come when the looney sister starts talking about healthcare, and the current economic situation, and blaming George Bush for every conceivable problem known to mankind.

It doesn’t matter that she hasn’t held a job for at least a dozen years, milking the insurance company for disability for a bad back, which she calls “income.” She once opined that she “brought in” more money in disability than her husband earned. If the wife hadn’t suddenly risen and dragged me out of the room I would have started a beatdown.

(And I had some new Timberland’s on which I needed to break in, which would have been perfect.)

My wife spent a couple of days suggesting I go hither and yon, which was basically telling me to stay away from the house as much as possible.So when I wasn’t out spreading the holiday cheer, I was locked down in my office watching sports wearing headphones so I couldn’t hear anything being said.

When the tribe finally left my wife went straight to bed and stayed there about a day and a half. When she finally emerged from her sanctum the first thing she said was: “They’re all crazy! There just isn’t any other way to put it.”

Being an especially astute husband, I just nodded, and headed out to deliver a toolkit to a friend.

This year I’ve decided to cut back on the cocktail hour. It isn’t that I can’t afford it, because I can. I’m cutting back because I don’t want the DDO’s (dithering disciples of Obama) to get their tongues all loosened up, whereupon I’ll have to listen to them espouse their stupidity all day.

Now I was thinking that maybe I could issue a warning that none of them would hear because they are talking all the time, which said: “Anyone who utters any remarks about hope and change, stimulus, cash for clunkers, healthcare, cap and trade…and so on and such forth, is subject to a special Thanksgiving Day Stimulus, which will come from the Double Trouble Stun Gun, which delivers a mere 1.2 million volts.”

The wonderful thing about Double Trouble, in addition to the voltage, is that the contacts are five inches apart. The farther apart the contact points on a stun gun are apart, the greater the impact. This makes it ideal for use on just about any mook, and I’m sure it would make quite an impact on my sister in law’s billowing ass too.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/doubletroublestungun.htm

As you can surely tell, I just can’t wait to serve her a steaming cup of “Shut the —- Up!” on Friday morning.

Okay. Now I’ll hit the gym…maybe pound the heavy bag for a half hour or so.

(Or maybe I’ll just wait until she gets here.)

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Out west in the Sooner State, (Oklahoma), is a doctor who is more than a tetch grateful that he listened to the Big Kahuna during one of his rants. (That’s what he calls my emails, but he’s getting over it.)

This particular doctor was moved by a story I had written about a father who got to the party a little late. (His daughter was assaulted before he ponied up for some tools.)

So on the day that the story ran he had his secretary order “whatever it was I was pushing that day.” What I was pushing that day was the Mace Pepper Gun, one of my favorite tools. Not only did I advise that you get the Mace Pepper Gun, but that you get additional cartridges in order to practice with.

Dr. T received the package, and then gave the gun to his 18 year old daughter a week before she headed off to college. Now his daughter wasn’t like a lot of young women who would have put the gun in the drawer after Daddio left, and not even bothered taking it with her.

That scenario is common, but this young lady actually took it out of the package, and learned how to use it. When she arrived at school she carried it with her all the time.

A couple of weeks ago she left the library quite late, (it’s open 24/7), and headed back to her dorm. On the way she was jumped from behind by a mook, who started dragging her into a wooded area.

She fought the mook hard, pulled the Mace Pepper Gun out of her pocket, and fired directly into the mook’s face, hitting him twice. He screamed, called her all kinds of variations on a mother——-bitch, and then ran off, falling over a bicycle rack because he obviously couldn’t see very well.

Dr. T’s daughter called police, who responded like they were dealing with a drunk student. (Some departments are still neandrathals.)

But the bottom line is this: Dr. T is one proud daddy, because he made a good decision, and his daughter is safe because of it. He sent me a carte blanche order. Whatever I think he and his wife need, and his daughter, just go ahead and send it. I’m putting that package together, and they’ll be covered every which way but loose. (I’d send the monkey, but nobody would deliver it.)

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/mace-pepper-gun.htm

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

That’s a question I get asked a bunch, and it’s been a while since I addressed the issue,so fasten your seat belts, here we go.

Numero uno, I think it’s a good idea to keep it concealed. These days, and in most situations, that’s pretty easy to do, even if you’re are wearing a holster. This is particularly true of the mini stun guns, like The Runt, or the Stun Master Hot Shot, but you can do it with Double Trouble, or the Knuckle Blaster too. Men can simply wear their shirt out of their pants, Hawaiin style. (Should there be three I’s?)

That’s pretty easy for me, since I rarely get into business attire. Actually, business dress makes things even easier, since you have a jacket which works well.

For women, the same rules apply, but the Pretender Cell Phone Stun Gun is really good for you. And in terms of sheer kick ass power, it’s equal to The Runt, or the Stun Master Hot Shot and Knuckle Blaster. Secondly, you can also clip these holsters to purse straps, computer bags, or even a man purse. (God forbid!) Most folks will not even notice,or they’ll just assume its a communication device. That’s a good advantage for you.

Third, and this really important; one is a very lonely number. You should always have a backup, or three. I’ve told you I always carry three, and sometimes four items at a time. I have fooled even close friends in the summer with what I have in my pockets.

Cargo shorts make this very simple, but there are a lot of very creative ways to carry tools. I always carry The Runt, Wildfire Pepper Spray, and a Steel Baton. Then there is always something else, depending on the situation. I’ll leave that to your imagination, and the mook’s too.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

But I never tell anybody I’m carrying. I don’t show people what I have. (Unless it’s a professional situation.) It’s just my everyday routine, whichI adjust when I need too.

If you yak about your stuff, you could lose the element of surprise, which is extremely important in bad situations.

Like when a mook puts his stinkin’ paw on you, and you hose his face with Wildfire, which will have him callin’ on Jesus right quick. (A little jolt from The Runt might speed up Jesus’ response, and a strike or two from the Steel Baton might get you an instant conversion.)

Like our friend Gomer used to say: ” Surprise…surprise…surprise!”

If you stay discreet, you’ll kick plenty of mook meat.

That’s a fact, Jack.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

If you’ve ever spent any time in the country you may have witnessed “crop dusting.” It’s basically a crazy mofo in a small plane spraying nasty chemicals out the tail end.

One place I had to whole up in one summer had a really bad skeeter problem, and at night the plane would fly overhead spewing some stinkin chemical on everything. You really didn’t want to be outside when this was going on, or breathe too much of that crap in. You also had to wash your car all the time, because it played hell with the finish. (That told you it was safe to breathe, right?)

When I got this note the other day I knew right away that this was a country boy, even though he lives in the city. He had hisself a little incident at the store he owns, and he referred to what happened as: “It was just like crop dusting.”

What happened was this. He was getting ready to close up his place when four mooks walked in and immediately split up. (He has a convenience store.) They kept moving all around, and glancing up at him at the register. He wasn’t worried because he had a 1 pound pistol grip canister of Wildfire on his left, which you couldn’t see from the other side of the counter.

Pretty soon the mooks converged on the counter. One of them pulled a pipe and told him to hand over the money. He countered their offer, raised them, and started laying down a trail of vapor across all of them, starting with the one closest to the door, and then moving in. All four of them went down, and he jumped the counter and went outside to get some fresh air.

As he went outside a car pulled up, and a couple of genuine U.S. Marines got out. He told them they really didn’t want to go in at the moment, and what had happened. They asked if he needed any help, and he told them he just wanted to get rid of them. The Marines waited a few minutes, then went in and dragged the mooks out.

There may have been a few slaps, jabs, and kicks involved as they accomplished their mission. The mooks disappeared down the street. The Marines hung out while our crop duster opened the doors and aired the place out. They got a couple of cases of beer on the house for answering the call of duty.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/wildfire.htm

The only thing worse than getting hit with Wildfire…is getting dosed by a 1 pound canister of Wildfire.

That pistol grip pounder is something to see when it’s on full blast. Crop dusting becomes Mook dusting, and Mook dusting is definitely more effective.

(Do not test drive this product indoors…and if you use it indoors… don’t hang around to breathe it in yourself. Skeedaddle!)

If you have ever eaten, or played with habernero peppers, you know they are hot. Wildfire is habernero pepper to the tenth power! That’s around 3-4 million Scoville units, which is how peppers are tested for heat. That makes it just perfect for using on mooks, kinda like mook salsa.

That’s the ticket.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

You know if it weren’t for the Dallas Cowboys, Texas would be a paradise. I mean it’s right up there at the top of the food chain except for Uncle Jerry Jones and America’s Team.

I always get this way on the eve of a Washington Redskins-Dallas Cowboys game, which will be happnin’ Sunday afternoon here in the capitol city. Actually, the stadium is over in Landover, Maryland, which is about a 45 minute drive in good traffic from where I reside. On gameday it’s a bad traffic day, and that 45 minutes could turn into 2-3 hours, and I don’t have that kind of patience anymore, if I ever did in the first place.

So I watch the games from the supreme comfort of my lazy boy recliner, which is also strategically placed closed to the refrigerator, and bathroom. Why anybody would want to actually go to the stadium is beyond me.

You certainly can’t take a nap there, which is what I end up doing most of the time. In fact, last weeks game was the only one this season that actually kept me awake. Will lightning strike twice in the same place? I doubt it; so I have all my pillows and blankets ready.

I got a good post from a woman in Houston who had to use one of her tools last week, that being Mace Pepper Gel. She had come home and entered her house through the back door. She entered her kitchen, and just as she was about to turn on the light she heard a noise on the front porch.

She walked over to where she kept a canister of Mace Pepper Gel on the counter, next to the phone, and picked it up, sliding the button to the on position. There was indeed someone on the porch, and they were working on getting the front door open.

She quietly moved close to the door, staying in a shadow. After about a minute the mook had opened the lock, and then he opened the door. He stepped through the door when our gal opened fire, spraying the gel right into the mooks face.

His response was classicly textbook. He tried to rub it out of his eyes, his nose, and mouth. Our gal then moved in to strike a blow…straight to his nutz, and you could say he was flummoxed a tad as he fell to the hardwood floor, bruising a few body parts in the process. She made him crawl out of the house and off the porch while he was experiencing the burn.

She called police, who hauled the mook off. Turns out he was on parole, which means he’ll be off the street for a good long time.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/peppergel.htm

The lucky thing for the mook was that most Texans would have used a gun with a large caliber on him, and then we wouldn’t have to be wasting taxpayer dollars for food and shelter for the next twenty years.

But he’s off the street.

And she still has two thirds of a can left on the counter.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Y’all know that old nursery rhyme, Hithery Dithery Dock, The mouse ran
up the clock…well…whatever is old becomes new again as enough time
passes. My Dad was a big fan of one Dagwood Bumstead, even sometimes
calling us “Bumstead” when we did something stipude. There were a
couple of years there where I thought my name was Bumstead.

This morning I was reading one of the several newspapers I subscribe to
when I read a column by Wes Pruden, who happens to be the best political
columnist in the country. (You can read his column every Tuesday and
Friday at:

http://www.washingtontimes.com

In his column today Pruden calls our current president “Mr. Dithers,”
which brought an immediate belly laugh from me. Julius C. Dithers
was the boss of Dagwood Bumstead in the comic strip “Blondie,”
which may not mean a thing to any of yuze younguns. But for us
oldtimers, (anyone over 50), it should jog your noggin at least a
little bit. Mr. Dithers was the embodiment of a guy who couldn’t shoot
straight, as the late Jimmy Breslin would have said. He was the kind of
boss who absolutely couldn’t make a decision about anything of import,
without torturing everyone around him with incessant dilly dallying
and handwringing.

I had thought myself clever by calling the president “Commander
Maobama,” but “Mr. Dithers” is absolutely classic and superbly
appropriate.

Mr. Dithers left today for Asia, presumably to get a pat on the back
from the Japanese for his “Cash for Clunkers” program, which put some
much needed cash in the Japanese economy. Somehow folks here didn’t
want to spend money on Government Motors, the company we all own
stock in by proxy.

Then heeze off to China to rap with the Commies about global warming,
as if those guys give two hoots in hell about greenhouse gases. But it’s
a warm up speech for when he goes back to Copenhagen in January to
try and kill more American businesses.

In an ironic twist of fate, some American newspapers are beinning to
breathe fresh air again, the effects of Obamessiah Musk #5 beginning
to wear off. The Boston Globe, one of the hard chargers for Mr. Dithers
for almost two years, has figured out that the “Stimulus Package” was a
…(drum roll please…) FRAUD. It pointed out in an article that…”the jobs
created by the stimulus are non-existent.”

They go on to say that none of the money spent in Massachusetts has had
any effect whatsoever. (Who says Glenn Beck has no influence?)

And the Washington Post said this week that the Administration has been
playing fast and loose with the job/uneployment numbers. The Wall Street
Journal has reported that true unemployment in the country is 17%.

Remember what they said. Passage of the stimulus would cap unemployment
at 8%. Just wait until healthcare and cap and trade are in effect.

What it all means is that you had better heed my daily advice, and “have a
plan.” You are going to need to protect what’s yours in the very near future
for a long time. Another year of 17% unemployment is going to mean
there will be a lot more mooks around than ever before. It also means that
fewer and fewer will be prosecuted and jailed.

Personal protection items should be numero on your Christmas List, or any
other list you have of things you really need. As always, you can find them
at:

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com
http://www.bigkahunasurveillance.com

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

P.S. Tell me Mr. Dithers sent you, and I’ll throw in a little something extra.

One thing I have discovered about the recession is that it brings out more critics than good economic times. People who had led fairly normal lives until they were furloughed have a lot of time on their hands, and they don’t always use it wisely.

But letz get something straight here. Blaming your problems on someone else is counterproductive. Whining and bellyaching and venting your rage on others is counterproductive too.

Why?

Because you reap what you sow.

If you are continually sending out bad energy to others it will be returned to you in spades. You may not have learned this in our sorry excuses for schools, but it is very true.

Secondly, and you may not believe this at all, the gods may have a completely different plan for you than the one you were working on. They may trying to send you a message that you should be doing something else, and you aren’t listening very well.

And spending your time criticising others because they have a job, or make more money, or engaging in petty jealousy, is a way of just wasting your time and not getting to what is really important.

Try sending out some positive vibrations into the universe. In the old film classic Kelly’s Heroes Moriarty is constantly rebuked for sending out negative emotions. “Always with the negative waves Moriarty, alway the negative waves.”

I get a lot of flack here, and I rarely respond to any of it. If I do respond, it’s usually no longer than one witty sentence, and then that email gets deleted with a laugh.

The reason I laugh is that even when you get criticized, it’s a kind of compliment. When you become the object of criticism, it means somebody is paying attention. It means that you are noteworthy enough to be criticized, which is always preferable to being ignored.

Some scalawag I can’t bring to mind at the moment once said:

A yawn is like a silent shout.

Think about that.

So to those of you with the poison keyboards, thank you for at least being involved, and not completely sleepwalking through life. I may not agree with you, but you are certainly welcome to send your opinion, no matter how deranged it might be. (And remember…with your skills you can get a job at the White House, or ACORN, or wherever the love is being passed around these days.)

People with light skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes need not apply.

Oh, I’m sorry…that’s Brazil.

No Jews either. Oh, that’s Venezuela.

It’s hard keeping all these haters straight, or vice versa.

If you have a problem, call Sean Penn.

Or, if you live in the real world, you can become a Kahuna Kommando, somebody who gets it, and gets tooled up. Summer is coming, and this will be the Year of the Mook. Mark my words.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.compeppergel.htm

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Oh, and Alexis, who wanted somewhere to go on vacation. New York, the greatest city in the world.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

I was sitting in the office this morning looking at the catalog because I had a question about an item that I rarely sell. It’s funny how something can be right in front of your face and you don’t see it, especially if you don’t move very many units.

Then… as if by magic… I was looking at the picture of Double Trouble. Back in the day, before the Old Lady and the kidz, I used to date half of Double Trouble, which was the name I had for a couple of twin sisters from Tex-siss, which is the way the used to pronounce it.

Actually I dated both of them, but not at the same time. The second one I dated much longer than the first, because she didn’t have a problem with me disappearing and then reappearing some time later. The first one always accused me of cheating, when I was mostly busy trying to stay alive in a very dangerous game. But with some broads it’s always about them.

I stopped dating the second half of Double Trouble when I disappeared for about seven months without explanation. I just didn’t seem like I was gone that long, but time flies when you’re busy, and I was hot on the trail of a very bad man, who happened to have a spell of bad luck one night in the desert. He’s now resting comfortably in front of a very big sagauro cactus with a nice view of Meheeco, which is more than he deserved.

(Pardon me while I tear up over this scum sucking creeminal.)

One point two million volts!

That’s the stopping power of the Double Trouble Stun Gun. That’s enough voltage to cook a right fine pig to perfection over a day or so, and it’s delivered all at once for maximum effect. You hit a mook with this and he’ll be blowing snot bubbles for a good long time while he tries to get his fried synapses to fire from one to the other.

It’s sort of like hitting someone with five Hall of Fame linebackers at the same time. The mook doesn’t stand a chance of harming you when you slap him with 1.2 million volts. If you’re feeling charitable you could drop some Kleenex on him, but personally I’d rather watch them wipe it on their sleeve. (If they can lift their arm, which will be a problem for a while.)

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/doubletroublestungun.htm

Double Trouble may be the joggers best friend. If you like running alone through parks and other places where predators like to hang, this is your equalizer.

When the mook jumps out from the bushes and cover, (remember spring has sprung), and tries to grab you, or actually does, just give him what he needs, and then some…to remind him that Homie don’t play that shizz.

Give the mook 1.2 million volts, and watch him lose all motor control. Call the police, and tell them to clean up on aisle 5. And be sure to remind the mook to have a zappity do da day.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna