Over the weekend Chairman Maobama’s White House Communications
Director, Anita Dunn, declared war on FOX News. Here’s what Direktor General
Dunn had to say: “We’re going to treat FOX News the way we would treat an
opponent. We don’t need to pretend that this is the way that legitimate
news organizations behave.”

Those are very interesting words. Let me translate what she said. “If you
support Chairman Maobama, you are legitimate. If you disagree, or have
questions about what Chairman Maobama and his henchman are up to,
you are not.”

So by inference, what she is saying is that all the other news organizations
are solidly in the Maobama camp. Anyone with an IQ slightly over 70 could
tell you exactly the same thing after watching, or reading, for just a few
minutes.

Last week MSNBC’s Tis Tingle, aka Chris Matthews, spoke openly on the air
about somebody “taking out” Rush Limbaugh. Nobody in the liberal press
even raised an eyebrow. Just imagine for an instant if O’Reilly suggested
that someone “take out” Nancy Pelosi.

The trouble with these liberal jackasses is that they are only good at “talking
war.” They can do character assassination as well as anyone, but when it
gets down to a real fight, (where they might get wounded, maimed, or
killed), they run like the wind in a hurricane to find shelter. Imagine a platoon
full of the likes of Paul Krugman, Frank Rich, Ariana Huffington, Maureen
Dowd, David Gregory, Keith Olbermann, and Paul Begala; landing at the beach.
You’d have to have eyes in both sides of your head, one set for the enemy in
front, and one set for the enemy behind.

The funny thing is, the more Obama goes after FOX, the higher it’s ratings go.

I predict it will soon become bigger than one of the networks, probably CBS,
and it will eventually become number one.

Why?

A new research poll by PEW shows that FOX News is becoming more trusted
by…Democrats. And liberals…and moderates. 43% of Democrats have a positive
view of FOX News, 39% have a positive view of the esteemed New York Times.

Independent analysis of last years election coverage has shown that FOX News
coverage was the fairest of all news organizations. All other news operations
favored Maobama substantially.

Last fall many of my friends voted for Maobama. They got caught up in all
the “hope and change” jive. Every last one of them wishes they had that vote
back. In Virginia, the independents have now shifted into the Republican camp.
They have seen Chairman Maobama’s true colors.

The problem for the White House about FOX News is not that it is attracting
conservatives. They were already there. The true problem is that FOX is
attracting moderates, independents, and liberals. That doesn’t bode well for
them, or their sycophants at the other networks.

I made an ad for NBC, who turned it down, called “Mace A Mook Today.”

Then I tried “Stun A Trial Lawyer” with CBS.

ABC turned down “Bust A Mook Melon With Your Steel Baton.” ( I guess
watermelon must be a protected fruit or something.) Maybe I should have
hired Gallagher for that one.

Regardless…all those items are on sale this month, stun guns, mace, steel
batons, Wildfire, and don’t forget about the cameras.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

http://www.bigkahunasurveillance.com

10 Per Cent Off All Month.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

While Mother Earth enters another cooling cycle, interrupted only by the
hot air produced by green swindlers like Fat Al Gore, another insiduous
plot has been uncovered by …me, the Big Kahuna, citizen journalist, and
the owner of a green truck.

It has come to my attention that the Sodom and Goremites are planning
a full fledged assault on…turlet paper. And in particular…soft, easy on the
ass turlet paper.

This is where it all comes to a head.

This is where to draw that line in the sand.

Keep your friggin’ hands off the Charmin, or face the wrath of God.

Let me tell you a story to illustrate my point.

Years back a good friend of mine was a salesman for a distributor in
the restaurant business, selling all the things needed to keep a restaurant
running smoothly. One of those items was toilet paper.

One of his clients was Morton’s of Chicago, a well known very upscale
steakhouse where you can very easily spend $100 per person on dinner
and drinks. My friend sold Morton’s Charmin, at the cost of about $52
a case, or roughly .60 a roll.

One day he was confronted by a young Food and Beverage Manager
who screamed at him that he was ripping him off on turlet paper, and a
competitor had offered a price of $29.95 a case. My friend told the
youngun that he could not sell him Charmin at that price, and in any
case it wasn’t a good idea to buy the competitors product. The youngun
told him that he made the purchasing decisions, and didn’t need his input.

On Monday morning my friend had barely had a sip of coffee when his
pager went off, with a Chicago number, followed by 911, which meant
call now. So he dialed the number, identified himself, and found that he
was speaking to the VP of Operations for Morton’s. (This would be one of
the Big Dogs.)

The VP was screaming at him…for sending in…cheap, see-through,
scratch your ass turlet paper, and that he had to deal with 11 complaints
from customers from just Saturday night alone. To top it off, all the
complaints were made by women.

My friend let the VP rant, and then calmly explained that it was not
his decision, but the young Food and Beverage Manager’s. This sent
the VP into a frenzy, and he said that he would call back.

About 30 minutes later the VP called my friend back, apologized for
his earlier accusation, and told my friend that should his employee make
any other purchasing decisions that he, (my friend), thought were not in
the best interest of the restaurant, he was to call him immediately.

The moral of the story here is:

Don’t F… With The Turlet Paper!

If you want to clean yourself with kale leaves…that’s all well and good, but
the rest of us like our Charmin, and I’ll be damned if you’re going to take
it away from me. And if you really want to make an impact, start sending
complaint letters to all the companies who are using see through, scratch
your ass turlet paper. (That you keep you busy for a while.)

In your spare time, tell all your friends to sign on to the most entertaining
site on the internet, and tell them they get 10% off for the entire month of
October.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

http://www.bigkahunasurveillance.com

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

My email box was crammed full of goodies over the weekend…some of it
safe for telling…and the other stuff good for a private chuckle. I thought I
bring you this story from Florida, which actually happened in 2008.

A “dirtbag mook” got pulled over on a routine traffic stop and executed the
officer who stopped him. The officer was shot eight times, including once
behind the right ear at close range. Another officer was wounded, and a
police dog was also killed.

A statewide manhunt ensued.

The “mook” was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team
officers opened fire and hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally the media went crazy…they asked why the SWAT team shot the
mook 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:

“Because that’s all the ammunition we had!”

End of friggin’ story.

Why he wasn’t nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize is beyond my
comprehension. My only complaint was they didn’t get to waterboard him
first.

A lot of folks are looking for hidden cameras these days, and the all
inclusive DVR hidden cameras are just about the easiest thing around to
operate. I actually set one of these up a few weeks back in under 15
minutes with no help, which may be something of a record as far as me
and electronics are concerned.

These cameras are referred to as plug and play.

Find plug. Insert in socket. Hit “on” button. That’s it. Oh…and for you guys,
the “on” button is on a remote, which shoud make things even easier.

Secret surveillance doesn’t get any easier than this.

http://www.bigkahunasurveillance.com/dvr-hidden-cameras.htm

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

I woke up this morning and after getting a cup of tea sat down at the
computer. There I was treated to some Halloween photo’s of Martha
Stewart, which the AOL people found frightening. Actually…I thought the
spread made Martha look pretty good, maybe even a little sexy. (You can
tell it was still early.)

A few minutes later I saw that Maobama had won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Now that was truly frightening.

I guess I’m going to have to wear my Maobama as The Joker tee shirt all
weekend in honor of his wonderfulness. I have three of them, plus a coffee
mug to keep the protest going.

The Nobel committee wanted to honor Maobama for his outreach to the
supporters of murder and terror all around the globe. You might remember
that trip he took to the Middle East to proclaim his unending sorrow
about being an American. That’s what gets you big points from the One
Worlders who don’t realize that the Muzznuts will kill them first whenever
they get the chance.

Maobama thinks he’s still on the lawn at Harvard, where idiots in corduroy
jackets and tenure sprouted theories of brotherhood and vegetarianism
after sparking up doobies from third world countries.

This is while on the very real streets of Chicago an honor student is beaten
to death on his way home from school. A day later on television a Maobama
supporter actually tried to make the argument that black on black crime
paled in comparison to white on black crime. I’m sure that was a big comfort
to the young man’s family.

All the apologizing in the world won’t bring that child back.

Here’s an unvarnished truth. The real jobless rate in this country is over
15%, and probably close to 18%. If it’s that high next year, you had better
have an arsenal to protect yourself. The sad truth is that the babillions
Maobama has spent have not brought a single job to this country, and the
tatrillions he plans on spending will not bring any either.

There is going to be some very stormy weather ahead my friends, and the
mook population is going to grow.

That’s why I’m giving you the opportunity to stock up on all merchandise
from pepper spray to full blown surveillance systems.

10 PER CENT OFF THE ENTIRE MONTH OF OCTOBER!

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

http://www.bigkahunasurveillance.com

It all ends on Halloween, when Martha Stewart and I will be handing out
dazzling cupcakes and boodacious brownies.

At the White House they’ll be handing out little bags of arugula with no
fat dressing. Enjoy kids!

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Sometimes people ask some pretty silly questions. Like for instance,
“Has the bus come yet?” Or it’s one I really enjoy, “Can I ask you a
question?” Then there’s, “Did you get a haircut?” Now I have to admit
nobody has asked me that in at least 30 years, but I hear it now and
then with my long range ears. My ears aren’t pointed like Spock or
anything, but my hearing has always been pretty good, except when
the old lady has a “honeydew” request.

So the question of the day is: “What is the simplest method to watch my
apartment?”

Translated…that means “How do I keep an eye on my boyfriend/girlfriend/
wife/husband/dog/cat…while I’m not there?”

Signed
Regina Lasko Letterman

Lord forgive me…hey…did you hear that Roman Polanski and Letterman
had dinner last nite at Chuck E. Cheese?

Letterman’s wife needs a couple of full time PI’s to follow old Snarky around,
which costs some bigtime dough, but you can solve your problem with the
Big Kahuna’s All Inclusive DVR Hidden Cameras.

That’s right.

These cameras are so simple to operate that even I can set them up, which
makes them simple indeed.

In the trade, they’re called plug and play. Which means, plug them in, hit
“PLAY” on the remote, and you’re in bizness. That is my kind of electronic
device, no wires, cable, Chinese directions…just plug it in and voila! It works.

You can hook it up to your TV or computer…and watch whatever happened
while you were away. You’ll either get a boring blank screen…or catch the
boyfriend hooking up with the redhead in 3G.

http://www.bigkahunasurveillance.com/dvr-hidden-cameras.htm

These cameras have also helped put away a good number of mooks who
yukked it up while they were ripping you off. It’s pretty hard to convict
these sonsabeetchez today, but film pretty much finishes them off in court.

A few seconds of film would have put OJ in the joint many years ago, in
spite of the gloves.

And remember, you can get a 10 PER CENT discount on all camera equipment
during the month of October.

http://www.bigkahunasurveillance.com/dvr-hidden-cameras.htm

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Whilst I was gone I got a heapload of mail, a lot of it asking what should I
do if this happens…or that happens, and so on and such. Many of these
questions have simple answers, and there isn’t any need to complicate the
situation.

Here’s a typical question.

“I’m a 22 year old woman who lives in a large city. I walk, and use the bus
to get to, and from, work. Many times I am riding the bus after dark, and
the area where I get dropped off is about three blocks from where I live.
There are often “mooks” hanging around in the area, and I don’t feel safe
on the street. What should I be carrying for protection?”

The question really is: How many things should I be carrying for
protection?

Too many people use the “One and done” philosophy, and then what
happens? What happens is…you end up being a victim. You always need
a Plan A…B…C…and a backup.

The first rule for women is:  Make them keep their distance. You really
don’t want to physically tangle with a man. The best product for you is
the Mace Pepper Gun.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/mace-pepper-gun.htm

The Mace Pepper Gun is small. It fits easily in the hand. It has a range of
25 feet, and it’s accurate, shooting a stream of “mook masher mace” that
will hit the pond scum before he can grab you. (And remember…always
aim for the face.)

The Mace Pepper Gun has 7 shots, just in case there is more than one
mook. (That probability is high.) You can order water cannisters to practice
with, so you know how it works, then load the real thing when you go out.

That’s numero uno, esse. Plan A.

Plan B.

A screeching personal alarm that makes a lot of noise. We have several of
these on the site.

Plan C

A mini stun gun, like The Runt, or the Stun Master Hot Shot.

Backup Plan

Pepper Pen, Lipstick Pepper Spray, Pen Knives

You are carrying a purse, you have pockets, and you have many places
where these these items can be concealed.

How do you do it?

Mace Pepper Gun in jacket pocket. Personal alarm on the strap of your
purse, Mini stun gun clipped to your pants or skirt. Pepper Pen in your
suit pocket, Pen Knife and Lipstick Pepper Spray in your purse. If you
carry all the time you’ll not even notice, and neither will anyone else.

You go for the knockout first, and usually that will be enough, but if it
isn’t …you’re still going to make the mook pay. It’s called STIMULUS baby,
STIMULUS.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/mace-pepper-gun.htm

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Twas watchin’ the tellybishon late last night when that “BREAKING NEWS” sign
flashed up on the screen. I was pretty tired at the time, and just about ready
to call it a night, but I stayed up to hear the story.

It seems Ole Dave got his squirrel sac caught in a vise, and had to go talk to
Johnny Law to get extricated from a “sitch ee aye shun.” The story is that
a staffer from a CBS news program left Mr. Snarkity a package at his home
a couple of weeks back, (which we can only assume contained pictures of Mr.
Snarkity doing the horizontal or vertical bop with women other than his wife.)

The package contained a demand for $2 million buckaluckas, to be paid by
Mr. Snarkity personally, or the CBS news staffer would write a screenplay
including “”every nasty thing he had ever done in his life.” So we can only
assume that was a pretty big list for Ole Dave to go see Johnny Law, and
testify to a Grand Jury.

Now whilst testifying to the Grand Jury Ole Dave admitted that he had sex
with staffers on his show. This immediately elevated him in Democratic
circles, where he leapfrogged our old friend Billy Jaye, who only had sex with
“a” staffer, meaning one. What kind of sex he had, with who, how many times
and all that was left to the imagination, although we are certain to find out
more in the coming days.

I have a call in to Whoopula, (Whoopie Goldberg), because I want to know if
Letterman’s having sex with interns was “sex-sex” or just plain sex. I have
called Whoopula because she said that Roman Polanski didn’t “rape-rape” a
13 year old girl while plying her with likker and qualudes.

CBS must not have any rules about having sex with staffers because normally
this kind of behavior would get you fired. But not when you’re a big supporter
of the President, and a persistent critic of Republicans. You can even insult
someones children, and then sort of apologize.

Mr. Snarkity would have done well here to remember the words of a really
funny jokester, Robin Williams, who said, “God gave men both a brain and
a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Unless you’re Joe Biden, or Harry Reid, where there isn’t enough blood to run
either. Lord I apologize…that just wasn’t right.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com
http://www.bigkahunasurveillance.com

In case you missed yesterdays inaugural announcement, here it is again.

10% off all merchandise for the entire month of October. That includes
everything, including all cameras. In fact, there’s a couple of nifty cameras
you could wear, and follow Ole Dave around, and get us some hot footage.

Well…at least the staffers would be hot.

10% OFF. Put it on the order form. Because everything is going up.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big Kahuna

Since I’ve been gone…much has happened in our little sphere. But
true to form, no one on the oxygen deprived wrong side of the fence
hasstruck it richin the gene pool lottery. There have been no reports
that I haveseen that show Democrats have had any brain cell growth
since I had to stopwriting early in  the summer.

Maobama is out there every day yakking it up like he is all four or
five members of “The View,” and his ratings are now just about as
highas theirs. Which is to say, “Nobody is listening.” Although Maobama
claimsChicago ashis adopted home, he seems not to have the wisdom
of the common midwesterner, who knows “You can’t make a silk purse
out of a sow’sear.”

Yesterday Maobama’s party voted not to post the proposed healthcare
bill online so that the people could read it. That’s because the 1100
pages of pig flop are…what’s that word…”transparent.”  And of course,
if youoppose this kind of transparency…YOU are a racist, or a phobe of
some type.

Just ask Maureen Dowd, Jimmy Carter, or any other liberal jackass
you can find, and they’ll be glad to explain it to you. Or if it ain’t
racism, or some newlyinvented phobia you’re guilty of, Billy Jaye has
revived the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.

Sunday on Meet The Press, Clinton told an awestruck David Gregory
that “the same people who tried to get me are now after Obama.”
According toat least some in the press, who aren’t busy doing Maobama’s
laundry, opening doors, and spit shining his shoes, Clinton has been
busy schooling Obamaon how to cry on que, and play the definition game,
such as in what constitutes a tax, and what doesn’t.

Remember, if Maobama thinks it’s good for you, it’s not a tax.

So here is what Ima gonna do to counter all the bad news and higher
taxes.

In order to get rolling again I’m having a sale at both Big Kahuna
Security and Big Kahuna Surveillance. It’s the October Anti-Maobama Sale
whichwill get you 10% off your order for the entire month of October.

Just type in “10 Per Cent” on the order form for whatever you want.

Make sure you check out the new and very nifty DIY security
cameras. No fussing and fiddling around, just plug them in and you’re
ready to go.

And remember, the WORD OF THE DAY is:  Voltage

As in, “Voltage is an unforgiving teacher.”

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com
http://www.bigkahunasurveillance.com

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna