I’m back home from my lunchtime visit with the cardiologists. The last time I wrote the feeling from the doctors was that I needed a pacemaker. Today we came to a different decision altogether.

As you may remember…I was scheduled to undergo surgery for spinal stenosis the second week of May. The surgeon canceled the operation due to the fact I was in atrial fibrillation, and I got sent to the hospital, was there a few days, then released. Then I had a couple of high blood pressure/racing heart incidents, and landed back in the hospital…where I had a TEE with shock to put my heart back in normal thythm, which it did, for 30 hours.

Then at home, I started having the blood pressure incidents again. I called the doctors several times last week, and told them that my theory was that all these incidents were caused by pain from the spinal stenosis. They didn’t agree.

So today we met in the office…and guess what? After two electricians reviewed my case…they agree with me…and now I am in the process of rescheduling the original surgery so we can take the pain issue off the table. Both doctors agreed to sign off on the atrial fibrillation so the orthopaedic surgeon can fix my neck without any risk.

Now I don’t bear the surgeon any ill will, he was doing what he should, which is protecting his butt, especially in this sue happy era of scumbag trial lawyers. I have an appointment to see him in a week, and then we can get on with what’s been driving me crazy for seven or eight months. After we fix the neck, then we can fix the shoulder, and then figure out just exactly what the heart issue is, if there is one after the pain is gone.

My sister, (Who’s an MD, and psychiatrist), had this same theory about my problem. Her husband, (with the same credentials…agreed with the first diagnosis of the cardiologists about the pacemaker) and so you can see where you have two doctors gathered together you have three opinions and four diagnozeeze.

My sisters theory was that the stenosis affected a major nerve that helps control blood flow, and that it needed to be fixed before any decisions were made about the heart. I agreed with this, even though I didn’t understand all the technicalities until today.

It may be that after the stenosis and rotator cuff are fixed that we end up doing nothing about my heart at all…that the atrial fibrillation will just be there, and will have to be monitored by visiting the office and getting an EKG every three months, which is what happens with me anyway. Or …well lets just think good things.

The incredible thing about all this is that the cardiologists admitted they were wrong. They didn’t say that, but a complete reversal on the course of treatment is an admission that I was more right than they were.

And I’ll tell you what…I’m going to sleep just a tetch better tonight knowing that my heart isn’t as screwed up as everybody assumed.

Who knows, within 12 weeks I could be back on the street kickin mook ass.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/wildfire.htm

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

I had a rough day yesterday, my blood pressure going up and down like like one of those amusement park rollercoasters, and my heartbeat providing a contra-rhythm just like in a boogie jazz band.

Whilst laying on the couch clutching my body length pillow I listened to the Commander in Chief whine about how FOX NEWS is devoted to opposing him. That was the only organization he could name that has questioned him, or his judgement, and he seemed annoyed that anyone, or any organization, could doubt his wisdom.

It was a petty display of personal vanity, one more suited to Madonna, Barbra Striesand, or Sean Penn than the President of the United States. Jeepers…there are people who are opposed to the Obamessiah?

Obama acts as though if the words come out of his mouth that’s the end of the story, the debate is over, and let’s get on with what I have planned for you. This is after all the campaign promises about transparency, and robust debate.

Let me tell you one thing this administration isn’t, and that is transparent. Obama complained for two years on the campaign trail about the “closed” Bush White House, and all the behind the scenes machinations and secrecy. But according to even the fawning, slobbering, and brown nosing national media, this may be the most closed and secretive group to ever occupy the White House.

They wouldn’t let anyone read the Stimulis Bill, delivering 1100 pages after the vote, and they are trying to pull the same stunt with health care. Obama’s project leader in the Senate Chris Dodd, (filling in for Teddy), is a disgrace, having violated enough laws to have his hometown newspaper, the Hartford Courant, call him a lying shitweasel. But then most of Obama’s pals are thugs, so that isn’t news. A couple of days ago Dodd told the Senate Committee that they had enough information out to pass the legislation. Hell, the only things they were missing were the costs, and why would that be important? After all, it’s not his money.

Boy, what I wouldn’t give to get up off the couch and use Double Trouble on him, (hypothetically speaking.)  1.2 million volts to his head, and maybe he’d turn into a Republican. But those Democratic skulls are really hard to penetrate, and the strain of entertaining new ideas may be too much to ask. I mean, you’re asking those dinosaur democratic brains to get past the New Deal, and into the present. It would probably take prolonged treatment, and there are just so many of these dumbasses around.

Double Trouble is kick ass personal protection at it’s finest.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/

And while you may never get the chance to use it on Chris (Lying Shitweasel) Dodd, just remember that mooks are almost universally democratic, and most likely their health care would be covered under the Obama plan.

Oh, and there’s one thing I want to know about that fly Obama killed with his mad skills. Was it Mirandized? Did the FBI read it it’s rights? Did it have a chance not to answer, or to protest it’s treatment? Did it get a lawyer to represent it before being so brutally executed on live television?

These are things I want to know.

And where is the PETA protest?

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

I have a stack of mail six to eight inches high, and I’ve been going through it trying to catch up with what’s going on in the world outside of my house and the hospital. Many thanks to all of you who have written letters of support, and filled me in on experiences that mirror mine in many ways. It helps to know that you aren’t the only one who has ever suffered, and in the end you’ll probably come out on top. I just wish I could get to the end more quickly, as I’m sure you did too.

We’ve been moving a good number of Rechargeable Runts in the past couple of months, and it’s only natural that a good story would reach me sooner or later.

Mary Kate, (not an Olson…or Olsen twin),  ordered up her RR back in February during the Big Kahuna Stimulis Sale, and she had been carrying it around most of the time. I say most of the time because she got a little lazy…or a little less vigilant, however you want to put it. For a couple of weeks she just left the RR on her nightstand. One morning about two weeks ago she was ready to leave the apartment to go to work, and headed back to her bedroom to get the Runt. She had a feeling…or premonition, and she was uneasy. So she put the Runt in her purse, and headed out.

The workday went fast, and she took some friends up on an offer to hoist a few malt beverages at a popular joint not far from work. They all walked over in a pack, and the promise to have only one or two was soon forgotten. One by one people peeled off and left, but Mary Kate hung around longer than all the rest, and then finally decided to call it a night. A guy she knew offered to walk her to her car, but she said she was okay.

She walked a few blocks back to the parking garage, and once there, being off a bit, she had a little trouble remembering just exactly where she had parked that morning. (The Big Kahuna once spent a entire day in Amsterdam looking for his car.) Finally it came to her, and she went to the elevator and pushed the number 5 for the fifth level.

As soon as she stepped out of the elevator she was grabbed from behind. She immediately went limp. (This forces a mook to deal with dead weight…something they don’t plan on.) She had learned this in a self defense class. The mook was momentarily at a loss, which gave her time to reach in her purse and grab her Runt.

The mook didn’t notice. He then tried dragging her into the shadows. When he bent over her she zapped him in the neck, holding on to the mook by his shirt collar. As he began falling she shoved him to the side and got up, kicking him in the chest with her heels. The mook rolled over and curled up in the fetal position.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/runtstungun.htm

Mary Kate was lucky. Something in her body’s warning system sensed a problem, and she reacted. But the best thing you can do is carry all the time, because you just never know when a mook is planning to make you a victim. Like the Boy Scouts, “Be Prepared!”

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Itz the 15th of June, and I’ve spent over half of the first month of summer in the hospital, trying to get my heart to behave normally, so that I can spend more time in the hospital getting my neck fixed. And then my shoulder.

Last Monday morning I was reading the newspaper in my Lazy Boy recliner when my heart speeded up like it was running the last two laps at Daytona. I managed to get a call to my wife in before I started shaking like a pole dancer who had swallowed a fistful of qualudes. (And the Big Kahuna doesn’t dance.)

By the time she hit the front door I would have made a gaggle of rattlesnakes proud.

She drove me to the ER, where a semi retarded desk clerk asked me to sign in, not noticing that I couldn’t hold a pen, much less sign a clipboard. My wife woke him up with a number of words she is always asking me to refrain from using.

They laid me on a bed and tried to get an EKG, but that wouldn’t happen. Then after about 15 minutes, just as fast as it speeded up, my heart slowed down. This is what happens when you have atrial fibrillation, or an uncontrolled heartbeat.

So what happened next was I saw the electro-physicists, the cardiologists whose speciality is the spark plugs of the engine. They told me there is nothing wrong with the engine…if they could just get the current to flow correctly.

So on Wednesday I had what is called a TEE with Shock. Translated from the medicalese that is a Trans Esophagial Electrocardiogram, followed by some electricity applied directly to the heart, the purpose of which is to shock the heart back into normal rhythm. First they knock you out, then they put a very expensive spy camera down your throat to search for blood clots. Finding no clots, they give your heart some voltage.

So with me they found no clots, delivered the shock, and my heart went back into normal rhythm. I felt much better within 30 minutes of waking up.

The problem was that on Friday morning my heart jumped the shark, and went back into atrial fibrillation. So now it looks as though getting a pacemaker might be my only option. I’ll be calling the cardiologists when I finish this note to you.

On Saturday I spoke to my mother, who has Alzheimers, and is traveling in another dimension most of the time. Strangely, she was extremely lucid for a few minutes, telling me that her father had a bad heart too, but that I would live much longer than he did. (He died at 52.)  I asked her how she knew that, and she said, “I talk to the angels, and they told me.” Then she drifted away. I’ve never been much of a god squader, but there’s a lot I can’t explain either.

So hopefully…after I talk to the cardiologists…they can go ahead and order some more parts for Robokahuna, get them installed on the engine, and then we can move on to the body work.

And more important than all that, we can get all the work done before Obamacare, where government idiots will be deciding which procedures you can…or can’t have.

The biggest example of why we don’t want government health care is the Veterans Administration. One visit to one of those disasters is all it takes to see what Obama has in mind.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

This morning I thought I’d share something that I received in the mail this morning from a friend who is on his way to my old stomping grounds, namely Hawaii. He’s not just going for a week or so, he’s going to park himself on one of the islands for a long spell. Here’s his version of how Obamaconomy works.

“It is June on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, and everybody is in debt,and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his note to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the feed and fuel supplier.

The supplier takes the 100 Euro note and takes it to the town prostitute, who gave her services on credit.

She takes the 100 Euro note to the hotel, and pays off her debt for using rooms to provide her services.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and lays it on the counter so the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

The rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, saying he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is without debt, and looks toward the future with a lot of optimism.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how Obamanomics works.

Bee you tea full!

I got a question yesterday that reflected my current position. The gentleman is disabled with only partial use of his left side, and what he wants to know is:

“If I could only have 1 self defense product on my person, what would it be?”

That’s a good question, and there are several answers, but I’m going to answer it according to what my circumstances are right this minute, with limited use of my right side.

At this moment…what I would want is the Mace Pepper Gun.

It’s small, and has real good range. (Up to 25 feet)

You can get it with a nylon or leather belt holster to put on your belt. These are extra, but worth it, and I like the nylon holster better.

I have practiced firing the Mace Pepper Gun with the water cartridges and found that you can count on hitting your target. You can fire from any position, and the Mace can be counted on to turn the mook into a whimpering piece of garbage.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/mace-pepper-gun.htm

Were I in better shape I might have a different option, but at this moment this what I would use.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Well…General Motors, once the greatest company in the entire world, has filed for bankruptcy, and soon, under the direction of new idiots, will start to manufacture “green” cars. If you thought that GM manufactured less than stellar vehicles before, just wait until the best and brightest the government has to offer start dictating how things are going to be.

Those who remember the halcyon days of the Corvette, the Camaro, the Firebird, the GTO, the Pontiac Lemans convertible of the 60s will have to content themselves with the “Smart Car.” If you haven’t seen the “Smart Car” …it sort of looks like a little red wagon with a tent, even though it comes in comes hideous colors. Oh…and you better not be on the heavy side, lest you have to lube yourself in and out. I’m working on a distribution deal right now…KY for cars. (It will be water soluble.)

Now is the time to start asking all your friends who voted for the Obamessiah…”Hey, want to buy some nice General Motors stock at .75 cents a share?” Interestingly enough, the gallant union, ( the United Auto Workers), was offered common stock in the company, at a bargain basement price, and they refused to buy a stake in the once great company. Now what does this mean?

Democratic spinmeisters will say it means the union wanted to keep its business separate from GM’s, but what it boils down to is this: They don’t believe the government fix is going to work, and they aren’t going to put pension money in the deal.

And if the workers won’t put money in the deal, what’s that say about the product they’re going to be turning out, which was pretty bad to begin with. Ba-billions are going to go down the chute in this mess.

And lest you think other countries believe in the Obamessiah Monetary Fantasy, we have to look no further than China. When Tim (The Toolman) Geithner spoke to a large gathering of Chinese last week, trying to reassure them about the ta-trillions being spent, they laughed at him openly in a public forum. Say what you want about those pinko commeeze…they can count, and it doesn’t add up in any way, shape, or form.

Something you can count on is a Hot Shot Stun Gun.

975,000 volts of mook stopping power, delivered from an easily concealable package not two smidges bigger than a pack of coffin nails. It comes in all the colors Henry Ford loved…black, black, and black. I’ve been carrying one of these around for a very long time, and it’s just like it is permanently attached to my belt, which is sporting a couple of new notches, because I’m too lazy to go get a smaller one.

And don’t be like the dimwit in New Jersey who took the batteries out, put them back in wrong, and then complained that the unit didn’t work. If you can’t follow the battery schematic, you probably shouldn’t have a stun gun.

The other day I was standing outside a very busy joint and reflecting on my Hot Shot, and the current state of my body, and I was thinking to myself…half my upper body doesn’t work, and with this Hot Shot I could still take down a mook is a split second. That’s almost as good as apple pie. (Comfort is what I’m talking about Willis)

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/hotshotstungun.htm

Because taking out a mook should be in your comfort zone. Just a little voltage under the arm, and the mook should lose sphincter control. Serious clean up on aisle 3.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna

Itz down to T minus 2 and counting for my cardiologists appointment, and maybe I can get this much needed surgery completed if he gives the okay. It only took about 15 minutes to get my right shoulder moving this morning. During the night, while I am sleeping, it locks up, and in order to get out of bed I have to do all sorts of contortions to get it moving again, and each movement sends a merry twinge up and down my right side from my neck to lower back.

After I’m upright its pins and needles while all those muscles and nerves adjust, then it starts to settle down some, and if I’m careful I can get a few things done before my lower back starts kicking. What people did before modern medicine I don’t know, but I’m assuming it involved prodigous amounts of malted beverages.

Bill in Alabama purchased some Mace Pepper Gel about six months ago. He not only got some for himself, but also for his girlfriend,  sister, and brother. He kept his in his truck, or in his pocket, depending on his situation.

His girlfriend kept hers in her apartment, and had occassion to use it last week. She had gone grocery shopping, and arrived back at her apartment with several bags. This necessitated several trips to the car and back, and she left her door cracked so she could go in and out easily.

After her last trip she closed the door and started putting things away.  All of a sudden she noticed she wasn’t alone, and that a long haired dirty mook was standing about ten feet away. She gave him a look and knew right away this was not anyone normal. His eyes were the eyes of a predator, and he started talking like he was in the middle of some demented fantasy.

Then her defense mechanisms went in high gear. She reached for her Mace Pepper Gel, which she kept right next to the coffee pot. No sooner had she grabbed it and turned, the mook approached her . She let the gel fly and the mook took the first blast on the right side of his face. He laughed, and then took another blast that caught him front and center. She didn’t stop, and hit him a few more times.

Then the burning started, and the mook did the right thing, trying to rub it off. Then he started spinning around and around, and fell on the floor. He called on the Lord, but he didn’t get the answer he was looking for. (It must have been his tone.)

The mooks loud prayers attracted some neighbors who hauled the mook out of the building and into the parking lot where some mook therapy was applied  before officers of the law were apprised of the situation.

http://www.bigkahunasecurity.com/peppergel.htm

It turns out the mook was a habitual sex offender who had been out of jail nine days. Hopefully he won’t get out this time, because we all know that rehabilitation works.

Stay aware, alert, and have a plan.

Aloha kaua,

Nui (Big) Kahuna